The ramblings of a frustrated journalist

Have we truly remembered?

2011-11-11T12:52:00.004-05:00

It's Remembrance Day in Canada and Millions of people are recognizing the sacrifices made by soldiers throughout the 20th Century in order to keep Canada and the rest of the world free. This I very much respect. I had two grandfathers in WWII, one was shot in the shoulder and the other's convoy was torpedoed. Again, I respect the military personnel who selflessly gave their lives for these pure ideals.

Now, I have a question for everyone: What exactly are you remembering? This isn't an attempt to shoot down Remembrance Day, I simply want people to think long and hard about "remembering". It's easy to throw on a Poppy and say you respect the memory of fallen soldiers. But what have we all, collectively, remembered and put into action?

Lest We Forget is the motto used for this sombre day. Well folks, let's not just say the words for 24 hours then go back to normal life. The fact is wars are happening right now- Canada is involved in them. It could be argued that we all have forgotten just how horrible war is. How can we all preach about remembering, then completely ignore the conflicts that are happening around the globe everyday?

As I write this there are tensions throughout the middle-east, parts of Asia, and we only recently pulled out of Afghanistan. War mongering happens all-the-time, especially by politicians who want to win votes. It's incredibly easy for politicians to say "stand behind our soldiers", but it's a lot harder for them to actually do something about conflicts and wars throughout the globe.

If we want to truly honour the memory of fallen soldiers, we should be trying to stop wars and conflicts. We are an advanced society that is supposed to be above fighting and needless death, yet we allow it to happen on a daily basis.

Me, you and every one of us should be trying to honour our fallen warriors by trying to make sure our own kids will never have to go to war. Remembrance Day is important, but don't for a second think that throwing a few coins in a Poppy donation box is going to stop war.

If we truly want to Remember, let's learn from the past and put an end to war altogether. That is the only way to truly respect the memory of people who died for their country and the free world. Let's put an end to war, an end to political games and focus on making our world better. We can always get better and stopping conflicts and needless death and fighting is a good start to moving forward as a society and learning from the wars of the past.

If we don't learn from history, we will repeat it. What have we learned?

History or entertainment? Why not both?

2011-10-18T17:51:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to figure out why year-in and year-out we hear/see/read in the media that Canadians do not know enough about history. Not even just our own history, but history as a whole. Yes, people say history is boring, and as much as I disagree with that, I'm going to move on and point out that history makes up a HUGE amount of what North Americans consume on television.

Think, for a second, about the sheer amount of history related shows that make up the mainstream. Forget Antique Travelling Raod Show (although considering how dull it was, it made a hell of a name for itself), I'm talking about trashy pop-culture shows that I admit to loving. Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Canadian Pickers, Auction Kings, Auction Hunters, Storage Hunters, Storage Wars... see where I'm going with this? These shows are all over our tv screens and as much as their is a buying/selling aspect, the only reason the things being sold on these shows are worth anything is because they have a significant amount of history behind them.

In one episode of Pawn Stars they were haggling over a straight jacket actually worn by Houdini; in another they had a piece of the Apollo 13 capsule the crew returned in. Motor cycles, pottery and everything in between. If it is of interest to you, it is likely being bought and sold on these shows. They have something for everyone and the only down-fall I see is that some of the "characters" are kind of dorks, but at least they are entertaining.

I hate to be the one who says it, but no, we don't know enough about History (Canadian or otherwise) and if it takes these shows to get people a little interested in the days gone by, I am all for it. Plus, Chumlee is hilarious.

29

2011-10-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

The cat, as they say, is out of the bag. On Wednesday I turned 29 and despite what I was lead to believe the world did not immediately come to an end.

Although I make the odd joke about it, I don't overly mind getting older. I could not care less if someone thinks I'm old and "uncool". I'm pretty sure I'm not cool. Look no further than my constant '80s references and the fact I'm one of the only people on earth who doesn't want to see Moneyball, and you'll quickly see I'm a goofy white guy in a goofy white guy's clothing. Cool, much like the random items in my fridge, is what you make of it (them).

My only real issue with growing older is the never-ending feeling that there isn't enough time in life to do it all. I'm 29, and I've done some pretty amazing things in my life: living all across Canada, helping start a magazine in my mid-teens and helping it grow to an international success, being published in 30+ publications, having sex with women (pluralized bitches!) etc.

For better or for worse, nothing is ever "good enough" for me. I don't mean objects or presents or anything like that. I'm talking about life experiences. I can't see myself having the mentality of "I've done enough in my life, now where is my rocking chair, yarn and needles because I would like to knit yet another sweater?"

There is so much more out there that my only concern is letting life pass me by. In just under a year's time I'll be in Munich, Germany for a little something I like to call Oktoberfest. But that is just one of my goals, and the rest vary quite dramatically. My challenge now is not to do "everything" because that isn't really possible; but instead do and experience as much as I can while I'm still alive and kicking. Some of these things will be major and some will be minor in the eyes of others; regardless I want to take as much in as I can before stealing the crown jewels of Botswana finally catches up to me.

All of this is easier said than done, and admittedly the past few years have seen me literally start life over again (not out of a womb, I mean financially, my location, my career direction etc.). At present I'm on a positive path with a lot of options open to me.

Now it's simply a matter of balancing life and adventure and as I said last year in my opening speech for my buddy's wedding, "Anyone who has seen me at a bar knows I'm not much for balance."

Peppered

2011-09-01T13:27:00.001-04:00

Take a walk with me for a minute and wrap your brains around a theory I have: pepper is the coolest food item you can find. I realize it is a spice and that using the word "cool" describe it could be viewed as a weak attempt at a pun, but I like to think I'm better than that.

Think about it, who doesn't like pepper? Even if the taste of pepper isn't your thing, you have to respect it. Kids often dislike pepper because they can't appreciate the taste. Still, give a pepper mill to your average kid and they'll have a great time. As a child I played with the most random of objects and I now regret not asking my mom to play with the pepper thingy.

The science and technical types can appreciate all that goes in to grinding pepper. It may look like a simple wooden object from the outside, but I can honestly say I don't have a clue about the inner-working of a pepper mill. I'm sure there are quite a few nerds out there who would love to take one apart and find out.

And not to be left behind, the crude, rude violent types should be able to appreciate the fact that these little pepper corns (seeds? marbles? whatever the official term is) are being ground and destroyed by this machine. How cool is that? To me, not very, but if there are enough people in the world who like popping bubble wrap, I'm sure there are many that love the idea of crushing pepper.

And, of course, the foodies out there love pepper because it is pepper. It gives a kick to almost everything and food connoisseurs can talk about the different types of pepper, what region they all come from etc.

Pepper is even widely used as a word to describe things: "The goalie was peppered with shots." How many food items can claim that?

Kudos pepper, kudos.

What if the institution is broken?

2011-08-30T17:35:00.001-04:00

I have a few gay friends. Neat, huh? They walk, talk, eat, laugh and have mood swings just like you, me and everyone else on the planet. I've had gay friends who were married, other gay friends who were planning on getting married, and the rest are hopelessly single much like myself. I know what you're thinking, and no, I am not going to try my hand at gayness just to test the waters. What I've learned through these friends of all shapes, colours and genders is that feelings are feelings and love is love. Period.

To this day I cannot wrap my head around people who are anti-gay and think it is wrong or that two gay individuals getting married is wrong. I've seen and heard pundits and twits on TV say that gay is unnatural. Really? Says who? Break out your fucking science degree then I will begin to entertain your opinion as not being retarded. Considering humans as a whole intake shitty food everyday that is unnatural, smoke cigarettes with a laundry list of unnatural 'ingredients', pump hormones into the meat we consume, genetically engineer crops and god knows what else, I don't think this argument has much validity. So, since when does natural come into play? Compared to all of those things, I'd say being gay is a hell of a lot more natural.

And then there is the argument that gay people shouldn't be allowed to be married because we need to protect the institution of marriage. Umm, the institution isn't doing so well. If marriage was a car it would have been brought to the junkyard a long time ago. Think about it, somewhere in the range of 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce or separation. The status quo isn't working too well my friends. I'm not saying every gay couple is going to be an ideal one, but gay marriage isn't going to hurt the already tarnished 'institution of marriage'; in fact, it may help those numbers. I have a sneaky suspicion that if more countries and states allowed gay marriage those numbers would go up and the worldwide gay population that decides to get married will probably appreciate this so called institution more than the average straight person because they had to wait so long for it to be allowed.

On that note this straight guy is going to get off his soapbox. While all you gay folk get married and have a big love in, I'm going to go try to find out what hot, straight women are into- from my experience it isn't sarcasm, tall white guys or self-taught karate masters.

Most powerful nation in the world?

2011-08-09T15:19:00.000-04:00

If you haven't noticed, stock markets are in turmoil and some are predicting another major financial/economic downturn for the United States and therefore the rest of the world will feel it too.

As it stands, the U.S. is literally tens of trillions of dollars in debt (with the majority of that debt being owned by China a communist nation), their government is in shambles as no one can agree on anything (maybe it has to do with a two party system where the two parties aren't that far from each other ideologically, yet still pretend to hate each other in order to get votes), their military missions have gone less-than-perfect over the past decade (or arguably for most of the 20th Century), the country is incredibly dependent on resources from other nations, and Donald Trump came very close to running (and maybe winning) the job of President.

So, let me ask this, how do people claim that the United States is the leader of the free world? What lessons are we learning? How to fake a strong economy? Let's face it folks, the U.S. has had incredibly significant issues facing it as a nation for a long time. You'd think the first financial crisis (the first of the new millennium that is) would teach people some lessons, but no, that didn't happen. Things went back to being status-quo pretty quickly, which means things are going back into the shitter.

This isn't a shot at Americans, it's a wake up call for everyone on the planet. The U.S. is not the be all and end all as some would have you believe. They have an incredible amount of problems to deal with, so I find it a bit hypocritical fro the U.S. Government to be waving fingers at ANY other nations for not handling the finances, military, environment or anything else of importance properly.

Every nation has issues (some more than other granted), and the United States is no different. I'm not one for isolationism, but I am a big fan of countries developing their own policies and thinking for themselves. Just because a system (call it democracy) works a certain way in one country, nothing says it is going to work the same way in another country.

If democracy is what we as a human race want, that's fine, but democracy looks very different in pretty much every country you go to. Even Canada's version of democracy is far different from that of the U.S. Neither is right, neither is wrong, they are just different. Trying to impose a U.S. version of democracy anywhere, especially in countries with completely different beliefs, histories, cultures and over all mentalities isn't just pointless, it does harm to a process that could otherwise be well on its way to its own version of "democracy" or whatever else that nation may choose.

It's kind of like when you grow up and realize that your parents, siblings and grandparents aren't perfect. Everyone has flaws, and to pretend otherwise is both sad and dangerous.

The worst domino effect

2011-08-05T13:01:00.000-04:00

No complaining in this post. No bitching. No hilarious quips. In fact, this post has nothing to do with me.

Over the past few weeks a whole mess of people I consider friends have had hard, horrible and unfair situations thrown upon them. One of my friend's mother is in serious condition in the hospital, one of my friend's grandfather died, another is having issues of the mental variety and a good friend of mine from college is battling brain cancer for a second time.

I'm sure there is no logical reason for any of these occurences, but I do think everyone reading this should take a good hard look at life and say an internal thanks for everything they have and the great people around them. I am certainly going to take the opportunity.

With that: In comparison to many, many people I have had a pretty good life. So thanks higher power for everything I've got. It might not be much, but it's more than many others have.

All the best to everyone.

-Devon

The mainstream in all its glory

2011-08-04T17:10:00.001-04:00

I have always been the first one to call the mainstream on its bullshit. And there is a lot of it. The fact that Jersey Shore lasted as long as it did is proof that the mainstream pumps out a lot of crap. Look no further than a movie theatre and you will see remake after remake because, apparently, paying for fresh ideas isn't something movie executives and major music producers strive for very often.

Still, there are a few glimmers of hope out there. As much as I hate to admit it, everything that is mainstream doesn't suck. It's hard not to, but carrying around a negative attitude toward anything popular isn't logical. Simply playing the odds, you'd be right to suggest that some mainstream material is, in fact, kind of awesome. It doesn't happen often, but if you look hard enough quality work slips through the cracks.

Here is a list of a few things in the mainstream that are pretty cool:

Community (TV) - Admit it, this show is fantastic. It's original and they aren't affraid to be different. The cast also happens to be one of the best on TV right now.

30 Rock (TV) - In no other place could the ensmble of Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan be so funny.

Facebook (Online) - I don't know Mark Zuckerburg, nor do I want to, but Facebook has made it pretty damn easy to stay in touch with people and trade hilarious quotes and one-liners.

Toms shoes (Apparel) - If you buy a pair, they give a pair to a needy person. Plus, they have a whole line and most look pretty good.

Green Day (music) - Sure, they are a shadow of their former selves, but go listen to Dookie again- that album was something else and was the mainstream national anthem in the early '90s (either that, or Offspring's SMASH album)

Betty White (actor) - Are you bored of Betty White yet? It doesn't matter, because you can't bad mouth an old woman who is funny, tells dirty jokes, loves animals more than people and still manages to have a booming acting career at the age of a million.

Tablets- Goodbye back breaking super-computers. Hello things that don't generally run on Windows.

Online Dating- Who needs blind dates and forced small talk when you can get the "testing" phase out of the way early and get right to the good stuff (I was thinking meaningful conversations, but if you were thinking sex, I won't argue with you). Also, it's great that seemingly three weeks ago people thought online dating was weird, and now you can't go five minutes without seeing a Match.com or eHarmony commercial.

And that is just to name a few. The moral of the story is: yes, life is a silly thing, so enjoy what you can, when you can, while you can ... unless it is Taylor Momsen.

We're off to see the wizard ... of awesome television

2011-07-20T17:56:00.000-04:00

I have been putting this off for a long time, but I cannot help myself any longer. This post has one purpose: to point out to everyone just how great the TV show OZ was/is. It started in the late '90s, made it into the early 2000s then ended before taking a quality nose dive like so many TV shows do.

If you haven't seen it, OZ is all about a prison and the interactions between inmates, guards, administrators etc. That is a mundane description, but once you see OZ you'll see what I mean. It isn't a show full of action, although there are a lot of action-based scenes; it also isn't only about the dialogue, although there are some fantastic lines and scenes. It truly is its own beast, incorporating elements from theatre (breaking the fourth wall and speaking to the audience as an example), regular television and movies. To put its uniqueness into perspective, this is an HBO produced show that, for all but one season, only had eight episodes per season. If they wanted to they could have written scripts until the cows come home about prison, but this is not a production line style show. Each and every episode is important and with that an incredible amount of care is put into each one.

Really, though, the reason OZ is so good is because of the people involved. The writing is superb and realistic, and so is the directing. Tom Fantana created, wrote and directed many of the episodes, but he also had quality individuals like Steve Buscemi and Chaz Palmintari direct episodes also. And then there is the cast. Literally, I cannot think of another show with as great of a cast as OZ. Cast members often died or left the show, so it was always fresh. Many of the actors went on to do great things on other shows, but they put everything they had into OZ. You'll recognize cast members in such popular shows as: The Wire, Generation Kill, The Office, Scrubs, Law & Order and many, many more.

One shot people always make at OZ is the gore and nudity involved. Well, yes, you see a few penises in the show, and yes, some of the deaths are gruesome to say the least, but it is a show about prison, what on earth would you expect to see? Clowns on unicycles entertaining the inmates? Nope, OZ didn't make any excuses, and that made the show even greater.

Long story short: Suck it up and watch OZ from start to finish.

Careful, I'm armed

2011-07-12T16:09:00.000-04:00

I promised myself this would never happen. I fought and fought and fought for years, all to no avail. I give myself an 'A' for effort, but I have officially lost to the dark side.

I've always enjoyed gadgets, and cell phones are a particular interest to me. I don't rush out and get the latest and greatest, but I have been a cell-phone-savvy individual for a long time. It did help that in high school I worked at a store where I could exchange cell phones every few months. So, here I am years later still loving cell phones, smart phones, tablets and anything along those lines.

I have had an iPhone for the past year, and I made it work. Yeah, the Internet is great on it, but the typing is horrible and that is 90% of what I do on it. I use it for music, but that's not exactly limited option on phones now-adays. Starting in a new marketing position last month I quickly realized that the amount of email I received when I was writing full time is NOTHING compared to the heaps I receive now.

So I bit the bullet and went back to a BlackBerry. I love my BlackBerry, and you can argue all you want about the iPhone's supremacy, but I will always go back to my trusty handheld typing machine I like to call BlackBerry (Or "fuckin' thing I drop a lot"). What I am really surprised at has nothing to do with having a BB, but where it is located. I always promised myself I would never be a person who has a BB in a holster on their belt. Well, guess what, I have started wearing the holster on my belt at work. It just makes answering the 60+ emails-a-day a bit easier. Yes, it looks goofy. Yes, I feel like a faux-investment banker pretending to be important. Yes, I often put the BB to my mouth and yell, "Buy low, sell high" even when there is no one on the other end of the line. But despite all those things, it's functional.

So if you see me on the street, armed to the belt-buckle with a BB, feel free to honk or mock me. Better yet, do it on BlackBerry Messenger, that way you'll know I got your message.

Transition

2011-06-14T10:30:00.000-04:00

I think I have to change the title of my blog. You see, I jumped ship. In J-School I thought I'd be a journalist for life, although I was pretty wet behind the ears at the time and didn't really know what that meant. It was a romantic idea, and one that I've lived for quite a few years. It's amazing how things change.

Working as a journalist for about a decade (for those doing the math, I was writing professionally long before I went to J-school) I did a lot - worked for newspapers, magazines, websites etc. I wrote for what seems like every publication under the sun (Funeral Magazine - CHECK, Business publications- CHECK, Community Newspapers- CHECK, Men's Magazines- CHECK) and then branched out into doing some consulting work (research, branding, communications etc.). So as much as I was/am a journalist, I made a point to stay fresh and not get left behind.

That was great for quite a while, but there comes a time in a person's life where challenges and excitement are needed. I know I'm a journalist, I know I can write/interview/pitch stories like the dickens, but that was starting not to be enough. Beyond journalism paying the media equivalent of a McDonald's Senior Fry Cook, there are a lot of fleeting relationships and little stability. After more than a decade, I found myself ready to grow.

With that, thanks to luck and an email from someone I knew through a business magazine I wrote for, I jumped into the world of marketing. I'm a marketing coordinator now and it's great. I still write a lot, but this time it is in different styles and for all sorts of things- websites, ads, newsletters etc. My role includes marketing/communications work, writing and booking ads, organizing events, attending meetings and even a little invoicing just for good measure. It's a mixed bag and I have to say I love the variety.

If College Devon met Present-Day Devon, I don't know what he would say, but I can guess that it would be a sarcastic comment about leaving the journalism world. Well, to him/me I will simply respond by saying this: journalism isn't so much an occupation as it is a mentality and way of life. You look to tell stories, inform people, learn a little about a lot of things and basically have a clue. I'm going to continue freelancing from time-to-time and who knows what the future will bring. I'll always be a journalist, but nothing says I can't be a multi-talented individual. Why stop at being a journalist when I can be skilled in all areas of communications, marketing and media?

Now if you'll excuse me I have some marketing to do, and I'm pretty happy to do it.

Take that nature

2011-05-31T16:19:00.000-04:00

As I slowly make my way through life (aka. get older) I try to balance being an adult with what it was like to be a kid. I have some vivid and not so vivid memories of my formative years and I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect. Still, I like to think there were lines I didn't cross- sometimes because of the potential consequences and sometimes because the action is pointless.

Take graffiti. I have no problem with it when it's an expression of art and on a blank, unused wall versus the front of a store. I even understand tagging to a certain degree. Territory, I'm better than you blah blah blah. If you want toplay that game, feel free, as long as you aren't pissing off innocent bystanders. What I don't get, however, is only going halfway. What is a half of a badass?

Lately I've found tags at various places around my neighbourhood, but if tagging is supposed to reflect territory and garner attention for you or your "posse", you should probably put the tag on something that will get you attention and show everyone how against the grain you are. I guess some twit took that too literally because the places I've been finding tags aren't on buildings or cars or anything that could seem even slightly bad. Nope, the twits in question have been tagging trees and rocks.

Who sits around in their basement with their group of friends brainstorming ways to be noticed, only to spray paint a shitty logo on the trunk of a tree? Apparently the hoods in my neighbourhood, which I suppose is a good thing since it kind of shows they are more likely to not give cans to the food bank than mug someone.

Still, if you're going to tag something, I doubt tagging a tree is the brightest move- Mother nature has a mean streak.

Questions that shouldn't be answered

2011-05-14T19:06:00.000-04:00

There is, in fact, a such thing as a stupid question. Many of us have been told since our elementary school days that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but that, I am sorry to tell you, was a lie to ensure your confidence wasn't broken when something less-than-smart comes out of your mouth. I will be the first to admit I have asked a few doosies in my life time, and yes I am also the sarcastic prick that will make a comment when one of those doosies are posed to me.

And with that I have a question that (I hope) isn't stupid. Why is it, when someone asks for directions, the immediate reaction for some people is to not answer the question, but instead respond with a query of their own: Are you from around here?

Does that make a difference? If I happen to be from around these parts yet am still lost, does that change your response? If I am from around here (wherever here is), are you going to give me wrong directions to teach me a lesson ('Learn your local geography dick!')? If I am not from around here are you going to give me a special key that allows me to open every door in the city? Nope, so answer the damn question.

Sorry to be negative, but I am in Saskatoon for work until tomorrow afternoon. In the less than 24 hours I've been here, I have asked for directions and that was a prominent response. It's pretty much like asking a person what they would suggest on a menu, and they in turn ask you if you've eaten at the restaurant before. I don't want your SIN number, I just want to know how to get somewhere.

Maybe it is a stalling tactic that gives people time to think, maybe it's people trying to figure out if I'm a tourist who they can then kidnap and harvest my organs, I don't know, but if there is a stupid or pointless question that would be it.

And, for the record, no I am not from around here.

Singing a jaunty 'toon'

2011-05-14T02:23:00.001-04:00

I went from having no computer (thank you people who develop viruses, you certainly did a number on my particular computer), to making a trip to Saskatoon with my newly fixed computer in tow (Thanks Clint!). So, these occurrences have allowed me to get my computer back for this particular trip. Now that I am officially four hours into this trip, I am back to my normal, curious self where I make random comments about life itself.

Now that you've gone this far into my rambling, please follow me on this journey, with any luck it'll entertain you slightly.

Flying anywhere on Friday the 13th seems like a bad idea (and a shittier sequel to Snakes on a Plane, yet still starring Samuel L. Jackson) and arriving at the hotel around nine p.m. I figured it would be a good idea to celebrate my problem free flight by getting a drink not at the hotel bar, but at a true local establishment. Well, that proved to be easier said than done. After asking advice from a host of people I passed on the street, I went down Broadway (you read that properly) which was described to me as "the Kensington of Saskatoon". Kensington is an area of note in both Toronto and Calgary, but putting Broadway in that mix would be an insult. I walked by a total of three bars/pubs/drinking establishments. One was a nice pub, but way too small because I couldn't find a seat or a place to stand. The others were random pool bars with bands, but they were charging cover whether something was going on or not, and all I wanted was a quick drink, not a whole entertainment buffet.

So, after way too long hunting, I found an "English Pub" to have a drink without making it an event rather than a casual drink. It was a nice pub (I think it was called Winston's), pretty busy for a short time, but I started getting curious when there was an older man at the end of the bar drinking a beer and falling asleep at the same time. After an hour he was drinking a Coca-Cola Classic, but that was after a lot of sleeping at the bar and no one saying a peep. Far be it for me to be the person to tell the guy that have another glass of beer is a bad idea, so instead I took a quick photo (for legal purposes I can't post it here).

Around 11 p.m. the place emptied out and I was trying to figure out just what on earth this city is all about. After looking at the skyline and realizing that the biggest high-rise building in the immediate vicinity is my hotel, the city's vibe continues to stump me.

I have about 36 hours left in Saskatoon, with any luck I'll be able to figure out this city before I take off.

I'm infected

2011-05-05T14:14:00.002-04:00

Belive me, I have had a lot to say over the past week or so, but haven't been able to post anything. Why? I have the virus of a lifetime on my computer, so for the time being I'm internetless. I'm at a "Cyber Cafe" right now, and despite the name, I don't feel like I'm in a futuristic wonderland.

Anyhoo, stay tuned, I will prevail in the battle against a computer virus (OK there are a few).

Devon

Vote, but vote with your head

2011-04-28T22:08:00.000-04:00

VOTE NDP! HOORAY!

No no, I'm just being sarcastic. As the election looms, I am truly hoping people out there are planning on voting. But it goes beyond just voting for who sounds good. Right now, the NDP are polling like they never have before. I think that's great, but just because a party is popular does not mean you should vote for them. In fact voting blindly can be dangerous. My message to everyone is vote for the best candidate, not the leader of the party or who the person beside you is voting for.

And here is why: The NDP is a small party in comparison to the Conservatives and the Liberals. It is only natural that they have less resources and less experienced candidates running in some cases. They have a lot of great candidates and I think people should ABSOLUTELY consider voting for them. But, they also have some weak candidates that have little-to-no experience (not just politically, but even in relevant life experience). It is entirely possible that some of their weak candidates will win because of emotional voting. That isn't good. It could cause problems that are born purely out of not being prepared for the position. Being an MP is a big deal, and should be treated as such.

When I was working for a small paper in Ottawa a few years ago I covered a lot of politics. In one instance I was covering a couple of ridings for a federal election. I was trying to get the contact information of an NDP candidate running in one of the ridings I covered so I could get their opinions and stances for the paper. I couldn't find a website or mention of the candidate, so I contacted the NDP headquarters. They also hadn't much clue as to who was running in the riding in question and as I recall it took them a couple of days to get back to me. It felt like the NDP didn't really have a candidate, the person was just going through the motions.

What I'm saying doesn't only apply to the NDP, there are a lot of candidates out there who aren't qualified and they shouldn't be given huge responsibilities just because they are in a certain party. It's pretty safe to say I'm a left leaning guy in most cases, so please understand I'm not slamming the NDP, I am a big fan of a lot of what they do and stand for and I am not one of these people who says, "they will never get into power federally".

Think of this as a job interview and you're the boss. You wouldn't hire someone who isn't qualified, nor would you hire someone solely because they are from a certain fraternity (read: party). You would hire a person who is trustworthy, hard working, qualified, honest, someone who gets along with others, and above all someone who listens to you.

So the question remains, who are you going to hire?

Marriage: It's a beautiful thing

2011-04-23T12:54:00.000-04:00

Ahhh marriage. Believe it or not, my cynical ass is all for marriage. I have dreams of a couple of kids, a fantastic wife (or for you mormons, wives) and all the great things that come with marriage. On top of me thinking about myself, I am also a big fan of attending weddings, partially because I like the idea of my friends and family finding the right people and having great lives. But, admittedly, another part of me likes weddings because they are a great excuse to drink a lot, dance horribly and never get crapped on for it because everyone else did the exact same thing.

There is a line that a has to be drawn in the world of marriage hysteria, and for me I draw that line when I don't know the people getting married. I'll give you a high-five and a congratulations, but if I don't know you I don't really have that connection with you. And this is why I am confused: Why do people go ape shit crazy when it comes to celebrity weddings? You don't know these people! They could be asses just doing it for publicity, the marriage will likely desolve six months after the fact anyway, so why do people go ga-ga over celeb weddings? They are on the cover stories on trashy magazines, all you hear about from "entertainment news" outlets, and there are a ridiculous amount of people who actually discuss celebrity weddings with their friends.

Look no further than Prince William getting married this summer. If you haven't heard, you clearly aren't reading this, because anyone close to a TV, radio, computer, newspaper or magazine has heard or seen something about it. I can understand older British ex-pats, or perhaps some 40-100 year olds caring a bit because they have some nostalgia for the royal family. To everyone else, why do you care? There are people on TV saying it will be the biggest event of 2011. Look, if a wedding that joins two people who have no actual power, importance or political position, or any other claim to fame other than being born into royalty, (or being married to royalty) that is a sad state of affairs.

Personally, I would think events like regimes being taken down in the Middle-East/Afirca (to varying degrees of success), or perhaps Sudan splitting into two countries, or hell even the NHL playoffs. These seem like bigger and more important events to me. These events actually affect peoples' lives (even the NHL playoffs, you have no idea how much money hockey makes for restaurants etc.), a lot of peoples' lives- far more than a wedding, any wedding, ever could.

I don't know what's worse, the royal family spending millions of dollars on a wedding just to pat themselves on the back and show everyone how much grandeur they can create, or the fact that millions of people are going to watch and participate in the BS marketing and advertising campaign that surrounds it.

Banking Machines OR How to rip people off without them realizing it

2011-04-21T09:13:00.000-04:00

There was a time when going to a banking machine and taking money out was an easy task that didn't cost much. Those years have gone and will likely never return. Instead, we pay money in order to take out money. I can take money out at my own bank's branches, but if I go to any other bank I have to pay my bank $1.50 and the other bank $1.50. Awesome, I do enjoy paying money to a bank for some unknown reason- and please don't tell me it's shipping and handling, I've been burned by that excuse before. Damn collectible figurines!

It gets worse if you try to take money out at a corner store or other public place. This is when I really get steamed. If I get money out at a store, it's pretty likely I am going to spend some of that money at that store. So why the hell am I paying bank fees at a store when me going in there to get money almost guarantees I'll be spending money there. WTF? If you go to a department store, do they charge you for the convenience of using an escalator when you're going to buy something on the top floor? Not yet, but it looks like things are going that way.

As the election continues to intrigue about 18 Canadians and all media outlets, rather than talk about rhetoric and why the other parties are useless, maybe if politicians talked about the little things people care about rather than play the blame game and defame the other guys, people will actually give a shit.

Instead, we will continue to be gouged and they will continue to not get it: Canadians don't want name calling, bitching and complaining or long speeches about being better than the competition. Be humans, come down to earth and talk to Canadians about the real things in their everyday life that cause them issues. Saying "health care" isn't helping because it is such a huge topic. Give simple specifics on what you are going to do and people might listen. Until then they will continue talking to the crowds who they always talk to (their own party members) and be ignored by the general populace.

Now where's my bank card?

Strolling along

2011-04-12T13:50:00.000-04:00

I remember bits and pieces of my childhood with varying levels of visual detail. Thanks to hypnosis and years of therapy I've been able to recall what strollers looked like when I was a kid. As I recall, they had four sets of wheels, a seat and perhaps an awning to protect a child from the sun. I also recall strollers being relatively slender, as in a person could push one down the sidewalk while still leaving room for someone to pass them.

Now. What the hell happened? The next time you see a flock of new-moms, or maybe a woman who pumps out kids like a vending machine, check out what their strollers look like. In today's day and age the word "stroller"might as well be synonymous with the word "tank". They are god-massive. Last week I was walking down the street and literally had to move aside for ONE STROLLER. Then, the other day on the bus, there were two strollers not only blocking the aisle, but they commandeered the entire front section of said bus.

I'm all for safety- I think it's great. Is making them the size of an M1 Abrams Battle Tank the only way to ensure strollers are "safe"? I hope not. I'm not an engineer, scientist, physicist or anything close (I know, your jaws are dropping with surprise), but isn't there a better way? We live in a world where computers come in the form of tablets, SMART Cars are everywhere and if you look hard enough most consumables come in some kind of pill. So, why is it that we can't shrink strollers? A SMART Car is basically a stroller with an engine that we allow that on highways. If we can shrink a car to this size, why on earth are strollers so damn big?

I don't have an answer to this, but my theory is that people think big is safe. If it is big, then we can't get hurt in it. It's all perception. Mothers, fathers, guardians, aunts, uncles and grandparents everywhere are convinced that strollers are safe and all the proof they need is the size. Well folks, as much as I would love to jump on this bandwagon, I'm sorry to tell you that bigger isn't always better. Can your stroller take a direct hit from a bullet? Maybe, but the lack of agility of that honking thing might prevent you from steering the stroller away from a sudden on-coming car.

If bigger was always better, North America's obesity rate wouldn't be such an issue, few people would be upset when a giant oil tanker sinks in the ocean (or a giant fucking oil well goes haywire just off the coast of Florida and Louisiana) and the nation's parliament would take place at the top of the CN Tower because it is so damn large.

And it continues...

2011-04-11T18:53:00.000-04:00

For anyone else who is dismayed and appauled by the way politics works in this country, please give this CBC report a read

Make the hurting stop

2011-04-06T15:20:00.000-04:00

I can't say that I have a long list of things I can truly say that I hate, but on that elite list, close to the top, you will find the word moving underlined. I just went through what should have been one day of moving my things from one side of the city to the other. What transpired was five days of setback after setback.

I won't go into details, purely because I don't want to relive them, but I can't honestly say the stress alone took a year off my life. I'm only going to live to the age of 103, and I have moving to thank for it.

That's my excuse for not posting for the past couple of weeks, but don't fret, I have plenty of topics I want to give my pretentious, honky views on.

Stay tuned...

May 2: Judgement Day

2011-03-26T13:56:00.000-04:00

It's official, we're going to the polls on May 2nd for a federal election. I'm not going to preach about who to vote for, or what issues I think are important. At least not yet. Nope, I am simply putting this blog entry online to make a request to everyone.

Over the next few weeks can everyone promise to use common sense? You're going to hear a lot of talk about a lot of different topics, and much of the information you're going to be fed will either be rhetoric or blatantly wrong. Please think before you react, and if you aren't sure about something ask, rather than listen to a campaign ad. The coalition isn't the end of the world (it's actually common in democracies); the economy is still recovering but is in pretty decent shape and on the right track; the environment is a big deal and is goes well beyond climate change; human rights are a priority not an after thought; terrorism is a scary word, but you'll likely be OK and if you think an issue is important, it is.

Happy Election!

Vote?

2011-03-25T13:13:00.000-04:00

We'll know today if there will be a federal election on the horizon. For better or for worse, the circus looks like it is coming to town.

Who plans on voting? Who is paying attention? What party has the coolest logo? (the Communists Duh! That was a trick questions.)

Quick to talk, slow to move

2011-03-16T11:19:00.003-04:00

Politics is just a game that a few select people get to play.
In this game, these people are entrusted powers by the public, and then those powers are used to play back-and-forth chess matches with rivals politicians, often with lives and the well-being of people hanging in the balance. I understand this, but at some point you hope the decent human being inside all of these politicians steps up and does the right thing when shit really hits the fan.

Sadly, way too often, this is not the case. Look at what is happening in Libya right now. The major Western powers were all happy when rebel forces began to confront their leader/dictator Mommar Gadhafi, and at first did incredibly well with their revolt. Reportedly, Ghadaffi was shooting protesters and doing everything in his power to end the rebel uprising and cling to power.

The Western powers imposed sanctions against Libya, along with Gadhafi and his regime. That is about the extent of the actions the Western world has taken against Gadhafi (minus sending a few ships to anchor off the Libyan coast and sit there indefinitely). Knowing this, he has since ordered air strikes on the rebels, who have nowhere near the same military capabilities. The rebels have come out time and time again to ask for help, specifically for a no-fly zone enforced by other countries so Gadhafi can't bomb them into submission and the fight can be slightly more fair.

Currently what, if any, military actions should be taken are being debated at the UN Security Council, and have been debated on various international levels for what seems like weeks. So, while a rebel force that was supported (at least with words) by Western powers and bolstered by the sanctions they imposed are being beaten by a much stronger military power led by a dictator who has been proven to support and harbor terrorists (Lockerbie bombing among others...), politicians from around the globe are arguing over whether it is a good idea to prevent the rebels from being destroyed from the air.

How much sense does this make and how on earth can it be argued that the security council or NATO are worth the time, resources and money we put into them, or the power they wield? Rwanda, Yugoslavia, Bosnia, do any of these words ring a bell to anyone? They are all areas of the world that had people slaughtered because the international community stood by and did nothing, or waited until it was too late to act.

I'm not a war hawk, or anything close, but if we are going to use military force, we should do it for a common good-- or, seeing as we are using military power, the lesser of two evils. The U.S. went into Iraq with fake reasons and doctored proof. Hussein was certainly a tyrant, but the U.S. had to make up reasons to remove him from power. Here, Gadhafi is asking to be removed and politicians can't figure out what to do.

There is something serioulsy wrong with the way the world looks at hostile leaders. Sadly, some of the most hostile and worrisome are running the powers that are supposed to be making the world "safe".

Screwing with kids' heads since Day 1

2011-03-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

As children, we all had our favourite toys. Some had blankies, others had dolls, but we all had something we truly took to. No matter your favourite, few kids grew-up in North America without being exposed to the ever-so-notable toy: the Jack in the Box.

It was a fine toy, scaring the shit out of kids (sometimes literally), then the kids go back for more as if the same damn clown wasn't going to jump out like a crackhead under a bridge. But we were kids, we were dumb and ignorance is bliss.

For whatever reason I started thinking about the Pop goes the Weasel song that plays when someone, anyone turns the crank on the side of a Jack in the Box. Never in my life have I thought so much about a child's song. I thought, and I thought and I thought. Something wasn't adding up. The toy just rubbed me the wrong way. Then it came to me, if the song is about a weasel, why on earth does a clown jump out of the box? Shouldn't a weasel be jumping out? Kids get confused easily as is, what are you doing messing with their heads further?

I read about the meaning of the song, and true-to-form it is apparently a song straight out of the 18th century and to this day people have really figured out what it is supposed to mean. I am not a historian, so don't quote me on this, but I am pretty sure I know what the song means. No, that's not true. I think I know what the song doesn't mean though. It means, Why is there a song about a weasel playing when a hyper clown pops out of a box to scare the bejesus out of me?

Watch and learn

2011-02-26T11:34:00.001-05:00

I watched a Fifth Estate report on the G20 protests in Toronto and the blatant beatings and rights abuses that took place. Considering what is going on right now in Libya, Egypt, the Ivory Coast, Tunisia and other countries, Canadians and the rest of the Western World should really start paying attention and standing up for their rights-- we don't want our country to get to the point where people have to revolt to be heard and listened to.

The Fifth Estate- You Should Have Stayed Home

We are officially living in Crazyland

2011-02-23T20:12:00.002-05:00

I am as giddy as I am appalled. That's what I get for watching a member of the Jersey Shore cast (read: Clown troupe) for more than eight seconds. I thought I was safe, I was watching Conan, which is among the better late night talk shows. Matthew Perry was on and the witty banter that ensued was entertaining, and I was having a great time.

Then, as Perry's segment ends, I find out that "The Situation" from Jersey Shore is the second guest. I should have known better, but I watched it just to get a laugh-- laughing "at him" rather than "with him". I don't know the guy, but he comes off as a naive twit soaking up as many extra seconds as he can, now that his 15 minutes are over. The interview is entertaining in that he didn't necessarily know what was going on, but tried to keep up with Conan while throwing "charming" smiles to the camera.

At the end of the interview Conan asks him if there has ever been a product that he was not willing to endorse. Before he tells of the ONE THING he wouldn't promote, he lists off the products he does lend his name to, which include Vodka (enfused with Protein for some reason), vitamin water, jewellery, clothing, supplements etc. Then, the gem that he is goes on to reveal what was the one product he wouldn't endorse: condoms.
"There was a line I had to cross...didn't cross and it was condoms," he said. "They came to me to endorse condoms and it said 'Protect your Situation from any situation.' And I was like, you know, I've got a lot of younger fans out there and I'm not going to do it."

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? He later went on to spew some shit about being all for condoms, but it was a little late for that. He knows that promoting these condoms may get more kids to use condoms and he doesn't? Why? Because he has a lot of younger fans? That doesn't even come close to making sense. If kids are dumb enough to like this guy, they will probably need condoms and even if they have his face on them, at least teen pregnancies will be cutback (possibly) ans STIs won't be quite as rampant. It's not like his image is going to be tarnished. Hell, promoting condom use would likely be one of the more positive things this guy could do with his celebrity.

Welcome to Crazyland, try the vodka.

Finally!

2011-02-20T11:00:00.000-05:00

I was going to write some deep, meaningful post about heritage and how much hockey means to us as Canadians. But, let's face it, that is one of the most disected topics in this country. Nope, this is purely a day of celebration.

To any foreigners in the audience, let me explain: Like humans around the globe, we Canadian like gathering in large open-air stadiums and watching sports while chugging beer, chanting clever slogans and sayings, and generally going crazy over our favrouite team. Hockey, needless to say, is Canada's answer to Scientology and as such is incredibly popular. In the Winter we like to be comfortable, and we would likely freeze-to-death if we attempted to watch nighttime hockey games all season long. So, our pro-arenas provide us with ever ammenity you could imagine. But, once a year (OK, twice if you count the Amerian one) the NHL decides it is a good idea to put on a hockey game in a football stadium, just so we can feed our primal urge to watch hockey while open to the elements.

This year, the Heritage Classic is in Calgary and my team is playing. Montreal has been my team since birth, and since I live in the West, I don't get many chances to see Montreal live. So, beyond this being a cool event, my team, the Habs, are playing and have- dare I say- I great chance to win.

The game, I'm sure will be amazing, and the party that will be a precursor to and celebration of that great game. Beer will flow, hilarious oral jabs at the other team's fans will occur, asses will feeze, and when it is all said and done it should have been one hell of a day.

GO HABS GO!

Lovers in a dangerous time (The Bruce Cockburn version)

2011-02-18T16:02:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered what it would be like to live during a significant time in history. Whether it be the 1960s for its societal changes, important international incidents and movements, or simply the style and technologies that came out of that decade or the time of Socrates, Joan of Arc or another notable historical figure.

Gradually, I have learned that, what makes a great or interesting period of time is pretty unclear, and even if there were a definition, we couldn't judge a great period of time for many years to come. We have to detach ourselves from the decade/year/century before we can judge it without any bias. So, essentially, we probably will never know if we truly live in a great period of time or not.

My knee-jerk reaction would be to say that we don't live in a great era, but after thinking about it, I could be very wrong. At the first, superficial glimpse of our world today we can point to technological achievements as great accomplishments, or perhaps that race and other prejudices are STARTING to be eliminated. There is a lot to do on those fronts though, and I don't think we can lay claim to their movements.

What may be the legacy of the current populace of earth is a swing toward sanity. I realize this sounds silly considering how much ridiculousness there is in the world, but there are also some very positive signs. Look no further than Africa and the Middle-East where populations are standing up and making demands on behalf of themselves as a people-- perhaps these are sings that humans are coming together and ignoring the inconsequential differences that keep us apart.

Depsite the major gaffs and unexcusable attrocities governments have made recently (and throughout time), there are signs that people are starting to get it. The signs are easier to see in other areas of the world, but even when the G20 came to Toronto, the protests were significant and people (I hope) paid attention.

I don't know if we are living in a time that in a century or two will be considered significant, but with some of the positive signs that are starting to pop up, I hope the momentum will build and we can start reaching our true potential as a people.

Obviously there is a certain romance to what I am saying, but romance and passion run hand-in-hand and to make our world something truly great, passion is going to be important for all of us.

Something is in the air. Is it love?

2011-02-14T16:05:00.000-05:00

It's Valentines Day! On the count of three, everyone rush out and buy over-priced chocolates and half-wilted flowers to prove to your loved ones that you do, in fact, love them. Because, let's be honest, the only way to truly show love is through purchasing things at retail stores on one specific day of the year.

Sorry to be cynical folks, but it's hard for me to jump on the Valentines bandwagon. I'm not anti-love, or anti- romance; on the contrary, I am quite the hopeless romantic. I believe in romance, true love and all that mushy stuff that most guys don't like talking about.

My problem with Valentines Day is just that, it is one day. How does remembering to buy stale chocolates on Feb. 14 show that you love someone? How does shelling out money on overpriced goods that will be marked down to 75 per cent off the next day prove that you love a person? It doesn't

Rather than depend on gifts to make a significant other happy, why not treat them well for the entire year? Why not surprise your little sweetheart with little gifts for no specific reason here and there? Why not get up early and brush off your loved one's car during the winter?

Anyone can pretend to be loving for one day. Do it for 365 days and then we'll start talking about love and romance. Until then, I commend Valentines Day for helping ensure our economy is strong for at least 24 more hours.

I am more normal than I thought ... I think

2011-02-12T23:00:00.000-05:00

On a daily basis random theme songs pop into my head. For the most part I am able to shake them within a few minutes, but there are few that stick with me no matter how hard I try to shake them. I am easily distracted, so getting my attention isn't exactly the work of Cirque du Soleil, but keeping it is something few can master.

There are very few anthems that garner my attention more than TV theme songs and somehwere near the top of the list lands Who's the Boss?. It came up this evening and, par for the course, I can't get it out of my head. That is the kind of random thing that makes you think, "Am I normal or is this a a silly, silly topic?".

Random? Maybe, but at least I am not the person posting this "random" shit on Youtube. If retro-TV theme songs were a drug- you, Youtube posters, would be pushers. I need more.

Perfect Strangers? Grwoing Pains? Feed my addiction!

How does this stuff make it on the air?

2011-02-01T11:24:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking about a career change. I really wasn't interested in jumping to a different industry, but apparently I'm needed. I'm going to hire myself out to companies as a consultant and my one role will be to tell them if their TV ads are stupid or not.

I am constantly amazed at the level of crap that passes for commercials. And by crap I don't mean low budget, I mean high budget but simply bad idea that are horribly executed. My favourite example as of late is the commercial for Gillette Fusion Proglide. Now these commercials have been around for a couple of years with different clips edited together to create different commercials (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31fSq9tTBKM OR http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY2xaeWdDVs&feature=channel just to name a couple), but the general way it goes is this:

A guy dressed in a cream suit without a tie jumps out of a van with a camera crew and a microphone. They then arbitrarily stop at a building, run in, enter a men's locker room and the main host yells "WOOOOO!" as there is one of a couple of guys shaving. First question: who thinks it is a good idea to surprise someone who has a sharp piece of metal rubbing against his neck? If anyone said yes, you are wrong.

The most recent version of the commercial has the regular locker room ambush, but the host asks a guy how he likes his Mach 3 razor (another product made by Gillette). After the "test subject" says the Mach 3 is essentially great, the host then says that he challenges that notion and has the test subject try the Gillette Fusion Proglide. Here is where the real brainiacs really put their stamp on the entire marketing campaign.

Rather than Gillette trying to get new customers by demonstrating how much better its products are in comparison to the competition, they are attempting to get their already existing customers who are happy with their current product to switch. That doesn't make sense. The Mach 3 has been around forever and if people like it, let them buy it, the money goes to you regardless. If you are trying to make more money, you'll need those customers along with new ones.

I don't have a degree in marketing, and I only write about business, I don't have my MBA or anything close to it. So, now I challenge you Gillette, how does this marketing campaign make sense? Editing clips together and showing what is essentially a commercial from more than two years ago is one thing, but attempting to convert your existing customers when you have competitors trying to grab your market share is simply not thought out.

For any companies looking to hire me as Director of Shitty Commercial Filtering, my rates are reasonable.

Comedy on television OR How the upcoming election will be a battle of who can spin the best message

2011-01-28T13:22:00.001-05:00

Just incase anyone wasn't sure- there will be an election in Canada in the next few months. How do I know this? Well, it didn't from a super-secret source in Ottawa, nor did I find the Prime Minister's daily planner laying around with a certain day circled in red that reads "HOORAY! Another Minority for me!" Nope, all I had to do was turn on my television and see the latest Conservative ad where they boast about their accomplishments during the past few years then end the commercial with the most medicore, unmotivating message I have ever heard.

Let's start with the visuals: Stephen Harper walking around one of the Parliament Buildings. Then he is at his desk signing papers and clearly running the country single-handedly. All the while stats flash across the screen building up these so-called Conservative accomplishments. I'm convinced.

But wait, do the claims they are making actually hold up to scrutinty? Well there is the one stat that says 450,000 jobs have been created by the Conservatives. In fine-print, however, it states that the number is compared to 2009 levels. In other words 450,000 jobs have been created since the depths of the depression. Which is a nice start, but many of those jobs are part-time (versus the full-time job that it is replacing) and we still haven't receovered fully on the employment front. A recent Stats Can report says so: http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2011/01/28/recession-jobs-lost.html. That's jsut one example of the spinning of facts and information for political gain.

The final message is something to the effect of: With so much at risk, can we risk changing course?
That is an approximate quote, but the message is what scares me. Essentially it is saying, why bother trying to do better, this is good enough isn't it? What kind of a message is that to a country. Way to instill hope into the population.

And this is just the beginning. All parties are going to take part in the political games that make up any modern-day election. It's sad, because very little information will be dsitributed and what information can get out will in a lot of cases be skewed by one side or another.

It is incredibly difficult to be an informed voter now-a-days; it takes effort and time to truly get a clue about what is going on, and the bad news is, a lot of what's going on right now isn't good. There are some serious problems at the upper levels of our government and with the political process as a whole. It's up to the public to do something about it

Money for nothing, censorship for free

2011-01-21T13:58:00.001-05:00

I love my country, I truly do, but there are occasions where I scratch my head at the bureaucracy that exists in it. Recently, a Newfoundland radio station played Dire Straits' uber-popular song Money for Nothing and received a complaint from a listener because the song has the word "faggot" in it a couple of times.

Faggot is a derogatory term. I cannot deny that, nor do I go along with any prejudice or gay-bashing. Now, with that being said, I like this song. In fact, a lot of people like this song-- it won a Grammy. Anyone can be offended by anything, and playing a popular song that has been listened to countless times in the close to 30 years it has existed, isn't an attempt at offending anyone. It was simply written at a time when words like faggot were accepted. Is it proper now? Probably not, but what are we going to do, go back and edit every song from days gone by as soon as something "socially unacceptable" is discovered? Bullshit. With that logic, we better go rewrite The Flinstones' theme song because they talk about having a "gay ole' time".

For everyone still up in arms about this, let me explain something to you. Words are just words, and hearing one doesn't make you spontaneously combust. But, if a person truly doesn't like the material in any form of media (newspaper, radio, TV, magazine etc.) there is a very simple way to make your point known-- just stop. Media, still, functions because advertising dollars pay for it. So, simply stop reading/watching/listening. Advertisers are not going to put money into anything that doesn't benefit them, so no readers/listeners/viewers means there will be no advertising and eventually the particular form of media will shut down.

I don't want people to stop paying attention to the media (OK, maybe Fox News), but I think it makes a whole lot more sense than complaining to the government every time you hear something that you don't particularly agree with. As it stands the CBSC-with some urging from CRTC- will likely review the song and their is still the possibility of the unedited song being banned from radio.

This is the type of thing that truly amazes me: Miley Cyrus can walk around as a piece of meat/bait for older men to ogle while teaching little girls how to not have self-esteem and it isn't a big deal. Say one, dated reference to a group and all hell breaks lose. It's not a matter of having a thick skin, it's a matter of priorities. What is more harmful to our society: training little girls how to be sexually tantalizing at a young age, or hearing an '80s rock song on the radio from time to time?

I know which one I'm voting for.

Say what?

2011-01-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

Let's play the ever popular What's wrong with this sentence? game. In the past hour I have come across a couple of odd word pairings that are as funny as they are confusing and worrisome.

Example 1: Guardian.co.uk
"A fire at a prison in the Tunisian resort town of Monastir has reportedly killed dozens as the country faces more uncertainty after President Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali fled the nation."

Example 2: CBC.ca
"Edward Sonshine, chief executive of RioCan Investment Trust says he's optimistic that the flashy, upscale U.S. discount store will aim to takeover leases at many of the 34 Zellers locations owned by the Trust."

Say whaaaaaaaaaaat?

Dog food for thought

2011-01-08T10:38:00.000-05:00

I make my own dog food. I'm sure there are people out there calling me a hippie (or douche bag for that matter), but I've been making my own dog food (along with my brother) for the past few months. At first it was just something to try on a lark, but the results in our dogs spoke for themselves and we have did it ever since.

Coincidently, just the other day I was watching a little Canadian show called How It's Made. On this show, they essentially describe, step-by-step, how things are manufactured, while showing video clips of the actual process. On the most recent episode I saw they went into great detail of how standard, dry dog food is made. Now that I have seen the process, I am not only not ashamed of making my own dog food, I'm down right proud of it.

Granted, there are different qualities of dry dog food, and some are quite good. But it isn't only the ingredients, it is the entire process that rubs me the wrong way. This particular type of dog food was made of corn kernels, barley, wheat and other cereals all made into a powder, then eventually a paste. This pase is pushed through tubes which shape them into cute outlines of dog bones (moons, clovers, horse shoes...) and other K-9 related shapes. The shapes are gradually pushed out of the tubes where they are cut into kibble. The process then involves spraying fat and flavouring on the "food" and cooking the shit out of it at hundreds of degrees to take the moisture out.

Notice in this type of dog food no actual meat that went into it? There was absolutely nothing appetizing about what I just described. I can't really blame a dog for turning its nose up at a bowl of kibble anymore. It is more time consuing and expensive to make dog food by hand, there is no doubt about it, but it's worth it.

I'm sure in the future even human food will be made in a similar process to the one above, but until my pooch and I are going to eat pretty darn well-- all thanks to the instructional teachings of the food network.

Popularity through drinking...

2010-12-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

For the longest time, if you were a sophisticated drinker, you drank Scotch. Obviously Scotch has been around for hundreds of years, but for the past 15 years or so it has been a status symbol if you are seen with a glass of Scotch in your hand. Like every other trend, there is a line down the middle separating those who actually drink Scotch from those who merely choke it down in hopes of upping their social standing.

I don't know what the vogue drink was before Scotch, but it was the '80s so I can only assume it was less a type of liquor and more a snazzy drink like an Alabama Slammer or something with the word "keyboard" in it. What comes after Scotch, however, is already being revealed. I don't know the reason for it, but Vodka is becoming the new liquor to drink in order to separate oneself from the pack. It can't be just any Vodka, though, it has to be premium or even "ultra premium"-- which is a new quality that exists.

For proof, look no further than the number of companies peddling their wares. While Smirnoff was always the name that rolled off the tongue because it was the first name that came to mind, the more uppity brands have begun to take over. Grey Goose was so cool to drink for a couple of years, but even it is starting to be passed by brands like Kettle One, Belvedere and the rest of the gang at the top of the Vodka industry pyramid.

Just over a week ago I was having a couple of drinks at a Moxie's in downtown Calgary just before a comedy show I was heading to with a couple of people. Moxie's, despite how it it portrayed, is nothing too special. It sells itself as a trendy restaurant and bar, but in reality it is fairly cookie cutter. In the lounge side of the Moxie's in question, just above the bar, was a lit selection of the vodkas offered. No other liquor received anywhere near the same attention.

As for me, well, I am big enough not to be prejudice against any liquor. I've been known to have the odd glass of Scotch or Vodka/Water/Bar Lime, but my drink of choice is Rye. So what does that say about me? Am I cool because I'm going against the grain, or am I not cool because I should really be ordering more Vodka martinis? When people start getting overly concerned about what they drink because of its impact on their image, I start to get worried.

There is a fine line between truly liking a liquor and knowing the ins and outs of the different brands, and liking a liquor because the ad you saw for it was neat and it makes you look hella cool. If you are currently in panic mode because you're worried about being a possible fake and not a "true drinker", simply test yourself. Have a friend pour a few different types of your so-called favourite type of booze into separate glasses. If you can't pick out your favouriate brand without seeing the bottle, I'd highly suggest switching back to the cheap stuff It will do your wallet some good.

Now, where is that bottle of Gibson's....aww yes, here it is.

A way with words...

2010-12-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

It's probably the writer in me, but I judge businesses on their names constantly. I simply give a bit more respect to owners that put thought into the name of their businesses- it shows a sense of customer awareness. How many times in a day do you walk around and see names like Joe's Pizza? I'm guessing at least a handful. Nothing says Joe's Pizza serves up horrible food, but in a very competitive business world, why not take your company's name and use it as a tool to get customers in the door.

Here in Calgary, there is a store in the Kensington area that has one of the catchiest names I've ever read on the front of a retail business. Box, Paper, Scissors is the name of the business and they sell wrapping paper and similar products. Not that you needed me to tell you that, though, the name is not only memorable, it says exactly what the store sells. Simple. Catchy. Brilliant.

In the journalism world, the equivalent to naming a business is writing a headline that sticks with people once they read it. They can go any direction, but since they are meant to be short, informative and impactful, humour is often a way to go. Everyone who has ever written a headline knows the sense of pride that fills the body when that eureka moment comes and you know you have a great headline. I've had a few memorable headline victories over the years, but to this day my favourite remains to be a headline I came up with in college. We were putting together the school newspaper for the week and my friend who was the health editor (I think) was laying out her page and she needed a headline for a story she was running on the pros and cons of smoking marijuana. A couple of ideas were thrown out when Doobie or not Doobie came to mind.

The point is that a little effort into the words one uses in life, or the words one uses in business can be important to the way people react. With a few words positive or negative emotions can be triggered and that can make all the difference. Why would I go to Joe's Pizza when I could instead go to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pizza and Karate Palace?

Cowabunga!

Behold: Toque Car

2010-12-08T18:10:00.001-05:00

Brilliant.

Enough is enough...

2010-12-07T17:01:00.000-05:00

I simply can't take it anymore. I have tried very hard not to speak about this Justin Bieber phenomenon too much, but I have officially reached my limit. People, for the love of all that is holy, Justin Bieber is not the lord's gift to our collective ears. In fact, whether you like his music or not, he is a giant marketing gimmick.

Yes, I an cynical, old and no longer hip to the lives of teenagers, but the evidence is pretty god damn apparent. Say what you will, but in my humble opinion the Bieber saga goes a little something like this (Oh, by the way, he has a fucking biography out now. He hasn't been popular or notable for more than two years. WTF?):
- A talent agent stumbles upon Canadian kid who can sing well
- Talent agent shows off The Biebs to his bosses
- Bosses recognize "he" has facial features that can be considered both feminine and masculine
- Bosses then ensure he is seen with A-List music industry personalities such as Timberlake and Usher
- The record company puts on huge marketing blitz
- Album is rushed out entitled My World because his world is so much different than the rest of ours
- The Tween generation and the parents of said kids go mental over the album (The plan worked)
- Biebs tours all over the globe to back up the album
- The media bites and he makes appearances in every city he passes through
- Somewhere in there they were able to create a second album entitled My World 2.0 and no one seems to mind nor care that it is much like the original album's title. Hmm...
- The craziness continues as the marketing machine pumps out Bieber everything and the media feed off his very existence
- Reports of Biber being a spoiled brat come out sporadically, but his popularity eats bad press like I eat bacon (and I love bacon)
- Seemingly out of nowhere another album is released, only this time the title is re-imagined completely. My Worlds Acoustic is a huge success
- And the story continues...

That is where we are at right now, but the reason I chose today of all days to break my silence on my dislike of the Justin Bieber drug that so many people seem to be hooked on is because of one commercial on TV. Today I saw an ad for his newest album. In it they show the usual shots of the cover, visuals of Bieber etc. At one point, though, there is a clip of him saying that the album is a gift from him to his fans. Are you serious? How many of you reading this blog entry bought the album? I hope you're not proud.

Does it not seem ridiculous for an artist to re-record the songs from his previous two albums with accompaniment of an acoustic guitar, give it a slightly different name than the first two albums, have music stores sell it for an average album price ($11.99 CDN at HMV as of today), then call it a "gift" to his fans? Since when do people pay for the gifts they are to receive? Who came up with this twisted logic and why do people not seem to have a problem with it?

Since it is the holidays, wouldn't a gift consist of receiving something for free? Since these songs were already written and little work actually went into reproducing them, I think the best idea considering the time of year would be to give the songs away on-line. That would technically be a gift, at least in the reality I live in.

Then again, I live in a reality where there is something slightly odd about an androgynous teenage male hyped to high-hell being the biggest performer since the last flash in the pan...who was that again....Mario Lopez.....No......Pussycat Dolls....No......I'm sure it will come to me.

Hot handed advertising

2010-12-04T23:58:00.002-05:00

I'm a fan of infomercials. For a reason that continues to escape me, I can't get enough of infomercials starting at the horrible acting, continuing into the potentially useful products and holding on right into the creative pricing structures-- you're going to throw in a second blender for free but you're going to charge me more shipping? I can't see why I wouldn't need two blenders, yes, let's go with that deal.

Currently, there is an ad on TV for a little something called the Ove Glove and, despite the ultra-clever name that was decided on by what can no doubt be Harvard professors or people just as smart, it is a handy little item (excuse the pun). OK, it's a glorified oven mitt-- or "Hot Surface Handler" as it is referred to in the ad-- but it has silicone grips and can withstand temperatures up to 540 degrees. And it has fingers, which is not only stylish, but functional when grabbing things in the kitchen. I have to admit that I want one, but I am having serious problems with a claim that is made during the commercial.

At some point toward the end of the commercial the announcer/voice over guy says that it is a great gift idea. A great gift idea? It's a fucking glove. It's not even a set of gloves that can be worn outside. Nope, it's sole purpose for existing is to hold on to hot items, generally in the kitchen. I can see how it would be a good gift, and maybe even a thoughtful gift if you're giving it to a chef or someone who would use it often. I can't see too many people sitting at home watching the commercial and thinking to themselves, "I don't care what else I get this year for Christmas, all I want is an Ove Glove." A great gift would be a kidney, a bound book full of original poetry, an island or anything else along those lines.

Maybe I'm just negative and have an unrealistic view of what "great" means when it comes to gift giving. Maybe I have to take my expectations down a notch, I mean who the hell am I to judge the quality of a gift? Come to think of it, there are kids in Africa with nothing protecting their hands from household flames and hot objects at all. I should be lucky I have a couple of dish towels to grab a hot dish with, especially when there are so many less fortunate people unable to attain proper hand protection. It really makes you think.

I'll let you know if Santa brings me an Ove Glove. That would be great.

Pull the damn plug already

2010-11-26T16:05:00.000-05:00

It's always a sad scene in movies when the question of whether to keep a person on life support comes around. In movies, the plug does occasionally get pulled, but more often than not someone comes in to save the day or the coma patient miraculously wakes up.

There is another area where pulling the plug is a question people often talk about, but rarely go through with it. Of course I'm referring to television and the North American ability to drive a formerly quality show into the ground just to make a few extra dollars. This isn't a movie, nor is it one of the TV scripts writers in New York and L.A. throw together between coffee/cocaine breaks. We're talking about the content-- for better or worse --that entertains the masses on a daily and nightly basis. One would hope that quality trumps money from time-to-time, but it isn't the case.

I understand television is a business, but in the long run I don't think ruining a series for short-term gain is a good idea. Quality shows are remembered because they were great, not because they ran for 27 years and people stopped caring. What can I say, I am an old softy when it comes to the various shows/movies/songs that entertain me and I am sick of my favourite shows being ruined because the powers that be can't think of better ideas than the ones already on the screen.

The obvious example is The Simpsons. Now running for more than 20 years, I don't know a soul who watches the show consistently any longer. I'm saying this as a huge fan; The Simpsons is literally the best show ever to grace the television screen. Actually, let me restate that: The Simpsons up until its 11th or 12th year was the best show ever put on television. It has had some highs and lows since then, but it can never be the same as it once was and for that reason let us fans live in the past an enjoy the quality, not the version currently airing. That isn't a shot to the show, it's simply a natural occurrence. No TV show was meant to run forever and the sooner we realize that the better.

For those who aren't fans of the animated comedy genre, just look at Weeds. It was a great show with a unique plot, quality actors and certain hipness to it that kept people watching. Now in its sixth season, the show is a shell of its former self-- the plot seems to be regurgitated from previous seasons, the characters have aged and with that the dynamic of the cast has changed with it and they are relying more and more on somewhat notable individuals to guest star in order to keep the audience entertained (Alanis, Mark Paul Gosselaar etc.).

Take the title 'Weeds', replace it with 'Dexter' and you can almost write the exact same description as above. This is especially unfortunate since last season Dexter provided one of the best endings to a season I've witnessed in a long time. Now that the new season has begun, it's the same-ole-same-ole, only now he has to juggle raising a baby. Sorry folks, we expect a bit more.

What North America should be doing is taking cues from Britain. Since the American media companies tend to steal anything decent produced in the UK, call it something different then remake it the States anyway, taking British ideas shouldn't be a big deal. Across the pond TV shows often don't make it past a few seasons, and from my understanding it is planned that way. So what do you get? You get a crew and cast who know they have a limited amount of episodes (although I am sure extensions do happen), which means they want to put everything the possibly can into each show. It's like knowing the day you're going to die-- if you do, you're going to want to make the remainder of your life the best it possibly can be. In comparison, the North American way is a kin to a college student sleeping in and not going to class because they know their parents are paying tuition and continuously going to keggers is the only thing important to them.

Personally, I'd rather a great show for a short time than a mediocre show for a long time. Although I am sure many people out there are asking themselves this question about their television preferences, then asking the same question about their sexual preferences, try to concentrate. Making sub-par television isn't hard, so let's go for the quality first, and if that doesn't work we can just go give Jerry Springer another talk show.

*NOTE* In Canada, we don't have this problem since our television programs rarely make it past a year or two anyway.

A hairy situation...

2010-11-23T01:00:00.000-05:00

For a brief period in my life, I had a beard. It was only for a short time and the only time in my life that I could claim to have significant facial hair of any sort. I started growing it about a year ago, and all through last winter I took on windchill like a champ.

Things, however, have changed. The beard is gone-- I got rid of it toward the end of the summer and never regretted it until tonight. Believe it or not, the regret is not because I think it looked great in comparison to the babyface I am sporting now. Nope, my regret comes from a purely rational place.

Up to a week ago, winter hadn't yet and I was perfectly fine walking down the street with my face being clear of all hair follicles. But this week winter came in with a vengeance and put Calgary into a deep freeze. I'm not a huge fan of winter, but I used to be able to get through it without bitching too much. As soon as I got a dog that all changed. Walking a dog, especially a big dog, isn't always a hoot at 6 a.m. It especially sucks when the windchill brings the temperature to somewhere in the -32 degrees range.

The worst part is the wind blowing directly at my face, turning my cheeks first "rosey" and then "frostbitten". I have always been an avid supporter of the neck warmer during winter, not because it warms my neck, but because when I pull it up over my face it makes winter bearable. The one problem for me tonight was that I didn't have a neck warmer; since I had a beard last winter I obviously managed to lose or misplace the neck warmer I did used to wear.

So, after a couple of dog walks without anything on my face, I had enough and went rummaging. I stopped to making a neck warmer out of a dish towel, as if I am the offspring of MacGyver and Martha Stewart (or MarthGyver if you will). It worked like a charm, but I resembled an outlaw from the old west, complete with the handkerchief over my face.

It only took a few days of really cold weather to make me miss my beard. Now the question is: Do I miss my beard enough to grow it back?

The branding of me

2010-11-19T15:52:00.000-05:00

I have no excuse anymore. I have no valid reason for not putting more effort and production into branding myself on the professional level. I honestly haven't really given my professional self a good look in a while, and for that I have no excuse but neglect. It's been a couple of years since I had a good look at myself in a professional light and made adjustments and I've finally realized I need an overhaul again.

I don't mean a superficial makeover where I frost my tips, wear only designer labels and write haiku's about autumn. What I am getting at is the fact we all change on a daily basis, generally in minute ways, but after time those small changes all build up and make a slightly different person.

Professionally, for me, I have changed a lot in the past couple of years and have certainly gained a lot of experience in that time. I've written for new and bigger publications, I have tackled topics I had yet to before and quite frankly I've simply developed and matured as a journalist and writer.

So, with that, I'm in the midst of having a new website developed that will not only be an online portfolio but a place where I can interact with people on a professional level, share news that I think would be of interest to fellow media lackies and basically be a place where professional Devon can portray himself properly without having to give away regular Devon's little quirks: my tendancy to swear, my frustration with the silliness of the world and the odd drinking story.

This is all fine and good, but the question I am struggling with is: How far do I go? Other than having a new wbesite made and new business cards printed, how far can I go to rebrand myself? At the end fo the day I don't really want to change myself -- that should happen naturally --but I do want to change the way I protray myself professionally in certain areas. I've never been one for mindless smalltalk, but the ability to sell yourself goes a long way in the freelance world.

I've decided that I refuse to be fake and shake hands with anyone and everyone who might pay me to write something. I have some standards and ethics afterall. At the same time I can get a bit better at networking without selling my soul in the process. Then there is the Twitter problem; do I start using it? I've often said that I will never have a personal Twitter account; I don't feel the need to update people on my life every five minutes and to be honest I don't care what pretty much anyone else is doing every five minutes. If my friends want to tell me something interesting/important/funny then please text me, email me or call me. But professionally Twitter makes a lot of sense-- companies can keep their followers abreast on what is going on almost instantly.

I have never looked at myself as a business. As corny or cliche as it may seem, I've always thought of myself as a person who happens to be a journalist. Somehow I get paid to talk to people, research various topics and put the important information I retrieve into a form of understandable text. With any luck it even sounds good, and people like it. And this is a danger, I don't want to start looking at what I write with dollar signs in my eyes. But, at the same time, treating professional self as more of a business will likely knock down a couple of doors I wouldn't have been able to pass through before.

There are a lot of freelancers out there, and they can't all be ultra-networking, smalltalking freaks. There must be a happy medium where I can sell myself without completely losing my passion and vision. There must be, right?

Hats off to the Aussies

2010-11-10T15:26:00.000-05:00

Some countries have populations that are simply meant to travel. China is the perfect example of a country that has a population that travels, as is Japan (think the stereotypical Asian tourist taking pictures of phone booths and McDonald's throughout the globe). The list should also include Australia.

Go to Banff, Alberta for about five minutes and you'll see what I mean. For a country that has a massive hole in the ozone layer sitting above it, and more surfing that you can shake a "Hang 10" hand gesture at, those Aussies don't mind the snow. In fact, they seem to have an affinity for Canada. Why? I can only venture guesses, but they are easy to find in Canada, and that is what I mean by they know how to travel.

Just over a decade ago my brother lived in Banff for a few months. He drove back to Ottawa (something like 3,000 + km) with who else but two Aussies (females no less.) The fact that they not only drove all that way, but did it at the end of Winter was something I'm still impressed with.

Now that I live in Calgary I've had the pleasure of befriending a couple of other members of the legion from down under. Specimen #1, Ashlee, and her friend Amy (another Australian) not only drove to Alaska from Banff in a car that is less than pristine, but they also drove down the West coast, into the states, then cut over to Texas, hit Nashville (where they were the entertainment between periods at a Nashville Predators game), then drove up through Chicago and then back to Alberta. That was a trip few North Americans have done, let alone some foreigners from the Kangaroo capital of the world.

Specimen #2, Shane, recently left form Calgary and drove east, hitting small town Ontario, Toronto, then he proceeded east through Ottawa an on to the east coast. Then, the crazy bastard drove back in a van that may or may not have been properly insured and in a van that I honestly wasn't expecting to make it past, well, the Alberta border. I can say this in a smug way because I've done it, but few Canadians have taken that long of a road trip and seen as much of the country as he did.

So what's my point? You have to give credit to a cultural group that travels and spread the Aussie gospel throughout that world. If you're curious what the Aussie gospel is, just look around, there is probably some Aussie with a thick accent nearby, because they are everywhere. But if you want a few tips before meeting an Aussie, all you have to know is the following: They say "cunt" a lot, but don't be offended cuz' that is their thing, kind of like Canadians saying "Eh"; they tend to have some great musical tastes, and no, not all Aussie music involves a didgeridoo; "Cheeky" is another favourite term of theirs and it sounds better than the North American translation which is roughly "up to know good and proud of it"; despite rumours Canadians on average can out drink most Aussies, but they certainly do know a lot about pot (perhaps the reason there are so many Aussies in and around BC); they have accents similar to Brits, but they tend to be more attractive and have much straighter teeth; they often refer to New Zealanders as "sheep fuckers"; the rest, you'll have to figure out for yourselves.

I best be off, as it turns out, I have to throw another shrimp on the barbie!

Making up a commercial

2010-11-08T12:37:00.000-05:00

Since there are undoubtedly many, many people out there with the dream of making ads for television, I wanted to give some free information to all the budding commercial directors and producers out there. Commercials aren't hard ... apparently. I say this because there are so many that are the same; I can only assume this is done on purpose so not to confuse people.

Rather than going to Television Advertisement Production Schools (or TAPS for short), if your goal is to make make-up commercials, just follow these easy steps:

1. Find a female celebrity of note. If the celeb in question can attract multiple demographics such as Beyonce attracting people from black, teenage girl, hip house wifeand horny men demographics. Another good one is Queen Latifah because, now that she isn't a rapper, white people take her seriously, and being a former BBW, she has her hands in all sorts of ethnic/cultural/social groups.

2. Now, get a white background beause 99.9 per cent of make-up commercials are shot on a white background

3. Now get your "talent" to dance around acting "silly" and "fun". Generally they have really funky clothing on. If you're shooting some sort of facial cleasner commercial, simply shoot the celeb from the shoulders up only. Add in a clip of them splashing their face with water to show how refreshing it is to put chemcials on your face.

4. At this point you need to throw in some visuals of the product in question. For best results zoom in real tight on the prouct but never actually show it being used.

5. We're getting toward the end of the commercial- it is now time for a couple of stats about the product. Example: Product X makes lashes 10x thicker/vibrant/brighter.

6. Now, let's end it off with either a clever or quirky line from the celeb that, when disected, really doesn't mean anything. Drew Barrymore in a recent commercial, as an example, says "Yeah, your lashes can be all that!"

Congratulations, you just made a commercial that will be seen by many, but few will remember it three weeks from now. Isn't show business grand?

That's safety with a capital WTF?

2010-11-06T17:17:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard, last week a man flying to Vancouver from Asia boarded an Air Canada flight as an elderly man, then, at some point during the flight, he went into the bathroom and came out as a young-adult, Asian male. Apprently he was just wearing a mask that made it look like he was an elderly caucasian male. I don't know about you, but I think the millions upon millions of dollars Canada has spent on training airline and airport staff, buying the latest in security technology and "educating" the public on the dangers of terrorism and suspicious characters is really being spent wisely. And by that I mean that I honestly feel no safer flying today than I did 10 years ago and quite frankly, if someone really wants to attack an airport or use an airplane to attack anothe target, it's going to happen.

This may seem cynical, or scary, but everytime I go through an airport, it helps solidify my theory. Obviously I can only judge off my personal experiences, but I have had quite a few trips through various airports in Canada, so my opinion is at least partially justified.

In the past month I've seen security personnel continuing conversations with one-another as my bags pass through barely searhed; and other security personnel leaning on walls and waving me in a direction as if the idea of standing at attention and doing their job properly never entered their heads.
It's been said that the terrorists on-board the 9/11 flights used box cutters to take over the airplanes. Whether this was the case or not, I don't kow, but I do know that security personnel are supposed to be cracking down on potential weapons. Why on earth pens are allowed on airplanes if boxcutters and nail clippers aren't, I haven't the slightest, but I do know that having empty glass bottles anywhere near a secured area of an airport is a bad idea.
A broken glass bottle can be used as a weapon; it can be a danger to passers-by or children; it can stepped on or accidently brought into the airplane and cause internal damage etc. So, it sure was a surprise to me when I was at my gate (a secure area) in Toronto's Pearson Airport last week when I saw a couple of boxes of empty beer bottles stacked outside of a swinging door that led to a kitchen. The kitchen, as it turns out, was for the bar/restaurant area that again is right outside multiple gates that lead directly onto airplanes.

The door I spoke of wasn't locked and I looked inside the kitchen as it swung back and forth. Of course there were multiple kitchen untensils that should not be so acessible, one would think, to the public. Anyone could have walked through that door. For that matter, anyone could use the empty bottles that were unatteneded for all sorts of things.

How on earth can government and airline officials preach security and are constantly trying to convince the public to allow more money to go to airport and airline security when such blatant situations that disregard security completely are happening? I simply don't think there is a such thing as being 100 per cent secure. Whether it be flying, driving or walking, there is only so much peace of mind and precautions that can be taken.

Nudity in all its "glory"

2010-10-28T17:28:00.000-04:00

I am naked right now. Yes, as I tap away at the keys, I am sitting in a chair nude as the day I was born. Before you stop reading out of disgust, I have to admit this isn't normal for me- but I'm adapting.

You see, there are a lot of people out there that love being naked, not only for sexual purposes, but for the sole reason that they enjoy being naked. One friend once told me she played Wii in the nude, while others have told me that when they are alone they simply enjoy the feeling of not having anything on. Is it freeing? I don't know, but for the first time in my life I felt that it was a good idea to be naked when sex, showering or nude beaches are not involved.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact I live with my brother and two dogs, and have for a few years. Before living with my brother, ever since I first moved out of my parents house, I've always had roommates. Add to that I've always had dogs, and these are likely some underlying factors for why I don't strip down when i get home from work. I'm sure my brother has seen me naked at some point or another, but it isn't something I overly want to share with him- 'Hey man, does my wang look bigger?' Nor do i want to be naked in front of my Rottweiler because those teeth are sharp, and she already accidentally wounds me enough as is.

But today, none of these things come into play because I am sitting alone in a ridiculously nice hotel room at the "#1 rated resort in Ontario". The room is about three quarters the size of my apartment, and because I am covering a conference for a magazine, I'm travelling alone and let me just say there are not a lot of attractive women buzzing around Northern Ontario in late October. So, with all that being said, I have a huge room and very little to do for a couple of hours.

I have been travelling for most of the month; I'm tired, bordering on exhausted, and as soon as I walked into my room a few minutes ago the urge to remove my clothing hit me. Clothed were starting to become uncomfortable, so I did the first logical thing I've done all week- shed my clothes, read a magazine article and attempted to analyze why the majority of my muscles are sore and why sleeping seems to be a luxury that I can't get more than five hours of at a time.

It feels good though. Knowing that my door is locked and that I know few people within a 50 km radius, so really there won't be anyone walking into my room anytime soon. Again, this isn't a sexual thing, it's just a good feeling to remove the clothes that bind me. I can't see myself joining a nudist group and having a social get-together with my fictional nudist friends. Nope, this is a private matter between me, my epidermis and anyone who reads this apparently.

So to all those who let whatever body parts you may have sway freely I commend you. Kermit the Frog said many times that it isn't easy being green. I wouldn't know, but that amphibian was nude all the time and didn't say a peep, so i guess it's easier being naked than it is being green. I would choose nudity regardless, green looks horrible on me.

Seniors need hangovers too

2010-10-25T17:36:00.001-04:00

There are scenes and images that we walk by everyday without putting any real deep thought into what we are actually witnessing. Take, for example, the photo above. I snapped this picture with my iPhone at least a month ago, and although I thought it was funny, I never really put much thought into it. That all changed as I was on the bus today, perusing the images that take up space on my phone. Most are completely useless, but this one was something else. Let's really look at it:

- First off, if there is any group of people who need a break on liquor prices, it is seniors. There is nothing a group of near-elderly individuals need more than cheap liquor. Why put those cheques from the government toward rent and food when wonderful bottles of Golden Wedding Rye and Prince Igor Vodka are on sale?

- Secondly, they didn't even have an S for the sign. They used a question mark instead. It's almost as if the person putting up the letters was sub-consciously thinking, "Should I really be encouraging this?"

- Now for the logo. Which one is the logo and which was in the description of the store? They are both the same. Am I going to the Liquor Depot which also happens to be a liquor depot or am I going to the nearest liquor depot which happens to be called Liquor Depot? Seniors everywhere are confused.

I guess there is an upside, at least "Free Crack Wednesday" was not nearly as much of a success and one might have predicted.

Miracles do happen (or How I Surived the Most Exhausting 8 Days of My Life)

2010-10-21T10:16:00.008-04:00

When you start off a trip by boarding a plane and sitting beside a narcoleptic woman who continuously drops things and pours tomato juice all over herself, it is a pretty safe bet that you're going to have an interesting journey. That was the exact situation I was in less than two weeks ago. I flew back to my former city of Ottawa to attend one wedding, participate as groomsmen and emcee in another, attend a bachelor party, celebrate my birthday and partake in Thanksgiving festivities. I don't mind telling you I was a bit nervous going into this adventure.

But, let's face facts, no one likes slide shows of vacations, and no one wants to hear anyone drone on and on in great detail about a trip that they weren't on. Nope, all us impatient folk are all about the highlights. And with that, I give you the highlights:

Day 1: Friday
- Left my headphones on the counter while checking in......but I had a back up set

- Sat beside narcoleptic woman on the plane, spent the 3.45 hours curled up to the opposite side of the seat trying to avoid all the random food and drinks she was dropping and pouring all over herself.

-Landed in Ottawa and met up with my friend Lindsay. We continued to get a few drinks then spent the night at a hotel (no sex, stop gossiping) watching shitty '90s music videos on youtube (Soul Asylum, Take That etc.) and drinking apricot beer.

Day 2: Saturday
- Picked up my buddy's truck and drove 45 minutes to Perth where the first wedding took place. It felt good to drive a truck again, oh how I miss mine.

- Met up with my friend Chris and we obviously predrank the wedding.
- The bride and groom (Jen and John) looked great and they somehow managed to work the Pittsburgh Steelers colours into the tuxes, bridesmaid dresses and flowers. I don't know if I am impressed or confused.
- Met up with some of my nearest and dearest and continued to drink more and make an absolute mockery of myself on the dance floor. You have to love weddings.
- Random girl at wedding confesses she is NOT a lesbian to me.
- The wedding party have choreographed dances.....damn son.
- We leave just before the end of the night because we are enraged that they haven't played Patio Lanterns yet.
-We decide drinking on the stoop of the hotel is a good idea. It is not, so it was decided by a roaming police officer.

Day 3: Sunday

- Up entirely too early, I hopped in my buddy's truck (Jeff who is also getting married) and began my trek to Barry's Bay, Ontario where the bachelor party was already in full gear. It was supposed to take me two hours to get to the cottage, it took me four. Why? Well I was following Google directions on my iPhone- which died. I forgot my charger back in Calgary, so I was pooched.
-I arrive at the cottage and am greeted by a beer. Frustration turns into glee and hilarity ensues.
- After deep frying a turkey (it was Thanksgiving after all), we then deep fried the stuffing, broccoli and pretty much every other morsel of food in the cottage. It is a good day.
- Beer, scotch, beer, scotch...
-Lakes are cold in October. I learn this the dumb way.
- I curl up beside another man on the pullout couch and that is not at all gay

Day 4: Monday

- Drove back to civilization with Jeff. My headache began.
- We meet Meagan (bride) and head to her Mom's place for turkey dinner. I am still feeling off from the previous day, but you can't say no to food on Thanksgiving so I dig in. It is awesome, I get in trouble for not eating seconds.
- They serve me wine.
- I stay at Chris' that night. I am sure I was half dazed when I arrived, but he did introduce me to the genius that is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Day 5: Tuesday

-I purposely didn't talk about my birthday, seeing as there were two weddings going on, but some people figured it out.
- During the day we went to VJ's which is a bar in the core of the city frequented by business professionals. It closes at like 7 and is absolutely one of a kind. There is a piano that rarely gets played at the front and on the walls there are a mix of VJ's family photos and pictures of celebrities who have never been at the bar- Frank Sinatra as an example. On one wall there is a advertisement that was cut out of a magazine and framed. Sean Connery is in it.....where the hell am I?
- VJ asks us how old we think he is and just to be polite we guessed in his 50s. We knew damn well it was higher, and after some bargaining he wrote down the number: 73
- VJ explains to us that people don't dance the jitterbug anymore, they dance like Lady Ga Ga. He shows us the dance and then says girls won't dance with him when he goes to nightclubs.
- We have dinner at Jess' house. She lives across the street from Chris and they always meet for coffee and cigarettes. It seems like a sitcom and I want to be a guest star.
- We have awesome tacos and watch Dexter while I sip a Gin and Tonic and wonder how big a human liver is and is it normal for me to feel mine in my chest.

Day 6: Wednesday

-Details of the day are a blur, but I know we watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
- The rehearsal dinner came and went. The priest blew through the rehearsal, so I think I can speak for most people when I say we winged it.
- Dinner is awesome at an Italian place, I get to see more of my old friends.

Day 7: Thursday

-Again, no idea what happened during the day, but I do remember saying we wouldn't drink that day.
- We went to Chris' Mom's house for dinner. We had a couple of beer.
- Watched the Sens game with Jess, her BF and some other folks. The Sens lost, which was unfortunate, but the Habs have a winning record right now so I'm pretty content.

Day 8: Friday

- Wedding day
- I forget my tuxedo at Chris' place and have to coordinate a military mission to get downtown and get it. And by that I mean Steve drove me and he is in the military.
- I get to Strathmere and throw on the tuxedo as it pisses rain outside.
- As we are getting ready the limos sent to pick up the bridal party didn't show up.
- They take taxis to meet us.
- The bridal party wear rubber boots as we have photos taken in the rain. I have yet to see them, but I'm thinking I'll look good, albeit slightly moist
- Off to the church in the now accounted for limos, we drink the champagne on the way to the church
- Wedding went off without a hitch. All that practicing paid off.
- Back to Strathmere for the reception.
- I play double duties as Emcee. I think I did alright, there was some laughter, no booing and I kissed a large Jewish man on the cheek.
- Again, drunk Devon showed up and we all tore apart the dance floor. Everything from Irish drinking songs to Will Smith songs were played and we "danced" to it all.
- 4:30 a.m. seemed like a good time to go to bed.
- 11:00 a.m. at post wedding brunch. God help me cuz' coffee wasn't.
- 5 p.m. eastern standard time I take off from Ottawa
- I land around 10 and take public transit back home. Fuck. I was so tired, cranky etc.
- On the C-Train a drunk teenage twit of a girl gets in a silly argument with a drunk, middle aged twit of a male. On the inside I am laughing but on the outside I am hating life. The middle-aged male falls then soon exits the train yelling, "Respect your elders bitch!" Glorious.
- 1 a.m. I finally get home to my brother, dogs and something I like to call "normalcy".

It was a great trip, I'm happy I got to see my friends get married and meet with as many people as I could fit in. I definitely didn't get to see everyone I wanted to, but I'll be back at some point. It'll take a few months for my body to recover.

We have takeoff...

2010-10-07T22:10:00.002-04:00

Procrastination is a fine art. Tonight, I feel like Picasso. This is partially due to my room being such a wreck that it could be mistaken for a Picasso masterpiece, but it mostly has to do with me showing off my quality procrastination skills this fine evening.

I can't bring myself to pack, even though tomorrow, I leave for eight days. The trip has been in the making for about a year when I found out that not one, but two of my friends (three friends really, two are getting married to each other) are getting married in Ottawa within a week of each other. In the few days between the weddings, I somehow have to negotiate my way through a bachelor party, my birthday and Thanksgiving. To add a little spice to an otherwise already bland dish, it will be my first trip back to Ottawa for about a year-and-a-half. It may seem a bit sappy to some, but I grew up in Ottawa and it is going to be an odd feeling returning to the Capital as a visitor.

Obviously my return is going to be a great time, and I can't wait to see my friends and have a few face-to-face laughs with them again, but I still can't shake this sense of butterflies in my stomach. I'm sure I've changed a bit, as I am sure others have too, but I am thinking we'll all just pick up as if not a day has past. So why am I nervous? Maybe it is the unknown, maybe it has to do with trying to meet up with as many old friends as possible in the eight short days I am there, and maybe it has something to do with me also pulling double duties in one wedding-- I'm in the wedding party and for an added bonus I am also the emcee. In reality I am sure it is a mix of all of those things and much much more.

I'm leaving my dog for the first time since I got her, which again sounds sappy, but we are quite close and she is rather emotional. I also learned today that a week after I return from this trip I have to go back to Ontario (Muskoka) for work. I really shouldn't complain, it's just going to be a wild, busy, fun, crazy, awesome month and along with all those other factors, my body is simply anxious to get it started.

Here is where I would make some corny joke about leaving on a jet plane, but I'm pretty sure I've used that line enough in the past. I will simply ask you all to wish me luck, I may need it. Oh, and if you have any tips about packing "smart" please feel free to post them below.

Seacrest out!

The TV is alive with the sound of music

2010-10-06T13:58:00.005-04:00

On a weekly basis I hear songs or themes that get stuck in my head. It has always been this way, just as I am sure there are many others out there who just can't seem to keep catchy tunes form taking over their brain containers. Sometimes, for me, it is a full-fledged song produced and released by an artist or group. A lot of the time, however, my head grabs on to commercial jingles, which I can't help but sing a long to when they are broadcast on the boobtube. Ask anyone who has watched television with me and they will quickly tell you that yes, I do indeed know a silly amount of commercial jingles, and yes, it is annoying.

In the grand scheme of things, songs and jingles are nothing compared to my true vice: television theme songs. I don't know what it is, but I love a good theme song. Admit it, you do too, you have just never thought of it before. It probably has something to do with the composer's ability to write a catchy or funny song about the premise of a television show- many are so random the song has nothing to do with the show, and I dig that. Ever see the opening to the former NBC sitcom Frasier? The theme song consists of Kelsey Grammar (who plays Frasier) singing a bluesy/jazzy song about "tossed salad and scrambled eggs." Somehow it worked, cuz that shop was rather popular for quite a few years and I'm sure most of you out there know exactly what song I am speaking of.

They aren't all good though. Some of them are down right bad. There are a few that truly stick out for me. The reasons aren't always clear, but there are a handful of TV theme songs that will stand the test of time. As a self-proclaimed expert on quality TV theme songs, I give you my favourites in no particular order:

Three's Company Theme Song: Partially because of the disco-esque music that starts the song and partially because of the male lounge singer that sings a duet with a woman.

Golden Girls: No explanation is needed.

Littlest Hobo: If you grew up in Canada during the '80s you should know this song, it is Canadiana at its best

Gummie Bears: Yes, it is a Disney show circa 1985-1991, and I still remember it vividly to this day. I can also sing the theme song and often do with pride ... when no one else is around.

Danger Bay: Again, Canadian, and again, AWESOME. The song has no words, yet it is still exciting and gets you pumped. Considering the show centres around a marine biologist and his two kids, that isn't an easy task.

Perfect Strangers: The song just fits the opening title sequence so well, it's almost impossible to not sing along.

X-Men: Does everyone remember the X-Men show on FOX from the mid-'90s? You should, not just because the show is fantastic, but also because the theme song is too. There are no words to this theme either and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Tour of Duty: This show doesn't get the respect it deserves as being one of the best war shows of all time. The theme song is a bit of a tease as it is the Rolling Stones' song Paint It Black. Obviously it is a great song and fits the mood of the show quite well.

Growing Pains: Little known fact- Alan Thicke wrote the theme song (along with many other jingles etc.) and he starred in the show AND he is Canadian. That is a triple-whammy of awesomeness right there. I can sing this song word for word and love doing it.

These are just a few of the theme songs near and dear to my heart, but they certainly aren't the only ones. Feel free to list some of your favourites, but be warned, if they are bad I am going to say so. If anyone dares list the theme of According to Jim I may lose it.

BeCause I am no saint

2010-10-05T12:29:00.002-04:00

I have a love and hate relationship with time. I get bored easily, but when there isn't enough time in the day I become frustrated. I've never been the most patient of individuals, and being a freelance journalist my days can range from being jam-packed to down right tedious. The term "hurry up and wait" comes to mind often.

Thinking about it, I have decided to focus on my downtime and just accept the fact that I will always have days that require 26 hours to get everything done. With this self-reflection came that realization that I need to do more; as in do more for the community, province, country- basically do something to make this world a bit better of a place, no matter how small the gesture. As I've joked about before, I want to give back to the society I have taken so much away from.

While living in Ottawa I was fairly involved. I helped sand and paint the fence of a woman who was a victim of vandalism, I gave blood and other little things along those lines. I certainly wasn't saving the world, but at the very least I was making an effort. Now that I am living in Calgary and finally getting settled after a year-and-a-half of volatility, I figured it was high time for me to get back to giving back. As I said, there are certainly days when I have time to fit more into my schedule, I simply have to plan better.

So with that, I made the small step of giving blood again. Last week was my first time I gave blood since I have been in Calgary, and I'm already signed up for my second appointment in November. What truly has me motivated is an opportunity that came up last month. My friend Christi is a PR and Entrepreneurial guru in this city, and she happens to be heading the communications committee for a United Way campaign called BeCause. Essentially, the goal of BeCause is to get more young adults (20-35 range) to get more involved in their community. As it stands the older generations give an unproportional amount of time and money to charities and causes. There is no excuse for it either, and since I am on a hunt to give back a bit, it seemed to make sense that I put my occasionally impressive writing/communication skills to work.

It has been a few weeks and things are gradually coming together with BeCause. A bunch of events and initiatives are planned, we are slowly but surely getting the website and its content up to snuff and I am genuinely happy to be on board.

It's something small, but manageable and if something I do gets a few more people to take action and get involved, then I can't ask for much more.

I'm no Mother Teresa, but even Mother Teresa had to start somewhere.

Devon

Check out BeCause

Picture this: Hypocracy

2010-09-16T16:18:00.002-04:00

Remember when film cameras were actually a commonplace item you could see in just about any public place? I know it is hard to believe, but it was only a few short years ago that digital cameras were almost unheard of and film cameras ruled the day.

Well, if the fall in popularity of Polaroid cameras didn't tip you off, the constant attention being paid to digital photos should have. Every kid, mother, grandmother, father, uncle and evil genius has a digital camera now, ranging in size from microscopic to compensating for something. But, even with these wonderful little gadgets, we sometimes want the photos in hard copy so we can show off our photo abilities at the office and family functions. Enter the printer.

For years photoprinters have been all the rage, and gradually coming down in price to the point now where the money printer companies make mostly comes from the ink they sell for them, not the machines. For any former film company to survive, they had to branch out. One of those companies is Kodak; they took a big jump from primarily manufacturing film to making digital cameras and printers (along with a host of other stuff digital picture frames, scanners and much, much more).

If a company makes printers, I don't think it is too much of a stretch for me to assume that they are a printer company. And when you are a company the size of Kodak, which has offices around the world and somewhere in the range of 20,000 employees worldwide, "big" is an appropriate adjective. On top of that, in a press release from July 28, the company all but admits to being a big company with a growing printer division. So, just to clarify, they are a big printer company right?

Here is the start of the press release:

Eastman Kodak Company (NYSE:EK) today reported secondquarter
results that reflect continued acceleration of the company’s major growth businesses in
commercial and consumer ink jet, unit growth in the company’s largest digital businesses, the
continued decline of its traditional business, and operational improvements.

Now, with all that being said, Kodak's latest ad campaign involves them claiming that unless you buy Kodak printers and their ink you are simply "printing money for the big printer companies."
Hmm, then just what in the sweet hell is Kodak if not a "Big Printer Company"? Do you have a staff of three making every printer by hand? I didn't think so. HP, Canon, Lexmark- these are all big printer companies too, in the case of HP it is also among the largest computer manufacturers in the world. And? Just because they are big, doesn't mean they are bad, and in my mind the only thing worse than complaining about the competition is pretending to be nothing like the competition when, in reality, you're incredibly similar.

The fictional women in our lives...

2010-09-14T14:14:00.004-04:00

From a very young age, most people get crushes on people. Sometimes we develop crushes on people in our kindergarten class, day-care and other public places. Other times, however, we tend to become infatuated with less attainable people.

As children, the line between reality and fantasy is much more blurred compared to adulthood. So, it is of little surprise that anything that passes by our eyes on the TV screen can be the focus of our crushes. With some hesitation, I admit to this. Looking back at my childhood crushes, very few were real.

In no particular order there was:

- Agent 99 from Get Smart: I watched that show after school for a couple of years, and despite Agent 99 (Barbra Feldon) being 77 years-old in real life, I didn't know about the age difference at the time and quite frankly I didn't want to know.

- Crystal Rogers: She was a classmate in elementary school and I had a huge crush on this girl. Needless to say that relationship didn't really happen and I haven't been in contact with her since, but when I was in the first grade I thought she was the tops.

- Penny from Inspector Gadget: When you're a young male growing up in the '80s, there are very few things better than a blond with a computer. Penny did us one better by having a computer book. I have no idea how a computerized book came in so handy in basically every episode, but I didn't care. The only thing that could beat Agent 99 when I was a child was Penny with her computer book and her pet dog.

- Jennifer Beals: In a sense this is a real person, but the main reason I know of her and am attracted to her is because of her role in Flashdance. I was probably 8-years-old when I first saw it and hadn't seen it forever, when I came across the movie about a year ago. Jennifer Beals is still awesome in it, and after having done some research, she is still acting, and doing a good job, but unless she has an afro dancing in retro dance gear, I don't want to hear about it.

There are more puppy-love crushes I had when I was young, but in case I ever have a shot with the yet-to-be-revealed individuals, I am going to keep the names under my hat. Ask me again in a few years and if Jessica Rabbit is single, I'll tell you ... damn.

As the world turns

2010-09-03T16:03:00.002-04:00

To many individuals out there the ultimate questions are: what is the meaning of life and what started it all? These are fine questions, ones that I certainly don't have the answers to, but I think we need to put another question on that list. It is a bit more selfish in that it focuses on us earthlings, but none the less I think we should get to work on answering how on earth this world and its society function everyday, seemingly on the brink of...well we really don't know.

This may sound cynical, but I think it is fairly safe to say that there are an extraordinary amount of people that walk the streets, paths an trails of this planet while being completely fucked in the head. There are news reports everyday focusing on people who have held a group of innocents by-standers hostage or something along those lines. This is not what I mean; I'm talking about the seemingly "normal" people that become increasingly stranger the more you pay attention to them.

It's the people who think it is a good idea to drive a giant truck up and down a major city road with pictures of embryos on it in a weak attempt at "educating" people about abortion; the grown men who scold teenagers for being rude then immediately after give them the finger; the people who open restaurants called the "Heart Attack Grill" and cater mainly to already obese people that cannot help themselves, these are the people that make me wonder how there isn't one person out there that seems so normal yet is so fucked in the head that they don't realize pressing the "Self Destruct" button (those exist, right?) at a nuclear power plant is a bad idea.

I'm not entirely negative- there are a lot of fantastic, caring, genuine people out there doing amazing things. That I am not worried about- there will always be good people that go about life doing the best they can without causing others issues ... then there are the dinks that fall off balconies because they are hammered and think it is a funny idea to climb to the opposite side of a railing on a 15th floor balcony.

There is no controlling it, so the best thing to do is take it all in. These people who are truly fucked in the head may not be smart, or thoughtful, but at least they are entertaining.

Terrorism: no excuse for shitty reporting

2010-08-26T17:39:00.002-04:00

Guess what, Canada has terrorists. Weird, huh? And here I was thinking the worst element we allowed to develop in Canada are Leafs Fans. Shows what I know. A couple of days ago three people in Ottawa- a couple and another individual- were arrested for a supposed plot involving bombs and other gizmos terrorists use to stick it to the man.

These three people very well could be guilty, but I am not going to decide just yet. The law messes up sometimes, so I'm going to hold my judgement until I hear and see information that really paints them guilty. I think a trial would be a good idea.....what a novel concept.

But, we don't need trials, we have horrible reporting to do the job of a trial for us. I was pissed off at the Globe and Mail for running a story on the incident that was simply written poorly- giving the same stat in two paragraphs that followed one another etc. I then became, and continue to be, livid at the trash reporting the Toronto Star allowed to run.

In the article the reporter was detailed (I can't find the article online anymore, hopefully they took it off), but way too detailed. Details that didn't make a difference were thrown in needlessly, which is fine, there isn't supposed to be a such thing as too much information, right? Wrong.

In the story the reporter in question puts in a quote from a neighbour where the person said she waved to the possible terrorist couple, but never got much of a response. It was clearly put in their to at least give people reading the story the sense that these terrorists don't wave to neighbours so they are bad. Who the hell was this lady? Maybe she is a quack that was nosey and annoyed everyone. If that is the case, I likely wouldn't wave to her either. Putting that sort of crap in a story just leads people into believing they are guilty. One lady's experience doesn't prove a thing and the Star should know better.

Last I checked the Star is the most circulated paper in the country by numbers, and with that comes a huge responsibility. I later heard this woman saying the same bullshit quote on TV. No offence to newspapers, but when you start allowing the same antics as broadcast news in this country, we really should start getting concerned about the quality of news we are taking in.

It's the time of the season...

2010-08-11T10:04:00.003-04:00

Over the past week or so I have noticed some interests details about the mornings: the air is consistently cooler, the sun isn't quite awake and shining as high as it was a mere week or two ago and there is almost a haze for the first while in the wee morning hours. The first thing that comes to mind is that it feels like fall. Yes, I realize is it a bit risky to mention the season of falling leaves and trick-or-treating in August, but it is noticeable.

I'm not saying the summer is gone, I'm just saying change is all around us. While many gear up to go back to school, others are following through with other plans that are exciting unto themselves. Within the next two weeks a couple of my friends will be leaving the city, and in less than two months another two friends of mine will be departing Calgary for some new adventures.

For those staying-put other changes are likely on the horizon. Vacation season for many people is over, and now that they have exhausted their allotted time to get away from it all, the fall means work will have to be more of a focus than drinking on patios, going to the cottage (cabin if you will) and generally trying to forget about the hustle and bustle that makes of everyday life.

A lot of changes are mental; it's all about adapting to new situations, new people and a new way of looking at certain aspects of life. The mentality of an individual during the summer versus the same person during another season can be very different. Everyone has to adjust and transition into a new season.

None of this is bad, and it happens every year, but it's important to realize that change is all around us. What the change(s) will turn out to be is unknown, but it is always exciting to find out.

In short, change is in the air, so let's all take a deep breath.

Performing in a tuxedo

2010-07-26T17:59:00.004-04:00

Up to now, I've been able to get through life balancing on a fence I simply didn't want to get off of. The way I see it, I'm a bit of a goofy guy, and with that comes the occasional funny comment. When you speak enough, eventually something entertaining will come out. And I've been fine with this-- I don't want to be the centre of attention, you have to be "funny" all the time. Nope, I would much rather be the guy who makes a (hopefully) intelligent and humourouss comment from time to time. Just enough to make people laugh without everyone expecting humour all the time.

My plan was going just fine, I'd say, until a few days ago when one of my best friends threw a wrench into the finely oiled machine that is Devon's humourous abilities. I was pacing myself rather well, and figured I could get to old age then Alzheimer's would take over and I wouldn't have to worry about falling onto either side of the fence I have been walking on so gracefully. Jeff, my friend is question, is getting married in October. I've known Jeff for over a decade and his fiance for six or seven years. The downside to knowing both sides of a wedding is the fact that I know both sides of the wedding. Jeff asked me a while back to be in the wedding party as one of the groomsmen and I jumped at the chance. It's the perfect position of looking cool in front of a large group of people while having little responsibility. All I would have had to do is throw on a tuxedo, stand at the front of a church and smile. Short of me fainting from heat exhaustion, I was in the clear.

But, as I said, Jeff went and did it. Taking into consideration that we're close friends, that I know both sides of the wedding and the fact that I have a booming voice and tend not to be too shy, he asked me to also emcee the wedding. Fuck. My scheme of not being found out as a phony is over. I have to be entertaining consistently for a whole evening. A whole evening? Jeff thinks a lot of me; I was under the impression that I have issues stringing a coherent anecdote together let alone guiding an evening of speeches, glass tapping, drunken dancing and the inevitable Uncle _______ falling down because one of the servers smoked him up in the back alley of the reception hall.

What's even more challenging is the fact that I have to keep the entire night appropriate. I tend not be a person who is easily offended and find most topics fair game. But in this setting I will be in a church for starters, which I am told is where god vacations of something. Beyond that, weddings are made up of people ranging from toddlers to the elderly. How do you impress these two age groups at the same time? They both tend to eat prunes, don't they? I gotta write that down.

So folks, I wouldn't mind a few good thoughts coming my way. At worst I will bomb completely, people will boo me and we will have the plot of an Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn project. At best I will do a great job, ensure the evening moves along smoothly and get a few jokes in that people bust a gut over. Come to think of it, that could also be the plot to an Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn project. Royalties here I come.

Originality is so overrated

2010-07-14T16:53:00.003-04:00

I wasn't alive in the '40s and '50s, but I often hear that time period referred to as the "Golden Age of Film". I can't say I am a film historian or anything, but I have noticed that there are very few remakes from back in the day. Ideas were fresh and from what I gather people wanted new, fresh material, not regurgitated material from years gone by.

So what the hell happened? If that was the golden Age of Film, what are we living in now, the Mediocre Age of sub-par Entertainment? It used to be funny, but we've gone from humour to being completely pathetic. I realize the answer to this is because making a buck is better than making a quality product, I'm just amazed people pay to see much of the crap some refer to as entertainment.

It starts with movie remakes. Like fuck, how many more times is there going to be a Superman remake? They are in the process of making another one, less than five years after the last franchise. Adding to the tally are the Superman movies Chistopher Reeves starred in during the early '80s and the countless Superman projects that came before that. There is a fine line between honouring a great franchise, and beating it to death. Want to know how to kill the Man of Steel? Keep throwing that damn 'S' logo on every TV, movie screen, billboard and banner ad in the known world. Who needs kryptonite when you have overkill?

I admittedly love the '80s. I still don't have an exact reason for it, but I love the movies, TV shows and the music no matter how big the hair was. One of my favourite movies (and guilty pleasures) of all time is Top Gun. Yes, there are some definite homosexual undertones, but beyond that it was just a good action movie involving fighter jets and aviator glasses. Still, even I think it is a bad fucking idea to even consider bringing Tom Cruise back to make a sequel to it. But guess what, there are rumours of this actually happening.

We live in a world that allows for such ease of communication, good ideas should be so plentiful, the entertainment heads should have a hard time catching up with them all. Maybe that is the case, but they got lazy and decided to remake every project already created. I don't know what exactly the reason for so much shit making it through to the public, but it is sad.

The latest trend is taking websites and turning them into movies and TV shows. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is a movie based off of a website that is pretty much solely made up of a guy's drinking stories. They are entertaining, I must admit, but that does not make these collective ideas into a good plot for a movie. And it didn't, but they made the movie anyway. And how about Shit My Dad Says? It is another website which lives up to its name. Again, entertaining to read from time to time, but making it into a TV show? Give me a break. William Shatner is slated to be the "Dad" in the show and if it succeeds he will be the only reason for the success.

There has always been garbage, but at least it was original. The only thing worse than a bad movie or TV show is a bad movie or TV show that was already made and it was better the first time.

Teamwork is a bad idea, at least in Canadian politics

2010-07-14T16:31:00.002-04:00

I'm a patriotic Canadian to say the least, but every once in a while I can't help but think we are completely backwards in some important ways.

Currently in Canada the politics of our country are all over the place. No one party has had a majority in almost a decade, elections do very little but continue the status quo, and few can decide who they like or what part is the best to run the country. Stephen Harper will say it is him, but he's had a kick at the can way too many times for me to have any faith in him (also, he's a political tyrant on a power trip).

Still, he is hell bent on being a true majority leader of Canada. And to do this he and his party are taking shots at the opposition parties every time they have a chance. One of the latest topics is a coalition government. For some reason this is a bad idea amongst many Canadians, but I am convinced that many Canadians simply aren't informed. This is through no fault of their own, politicians confuse people and that is the way they like it.

Harper and the gang say a coalition government isn't Canadian and it means a group of "losers" would be in power. This, my friends, is stupid. Politics, at its very core, isshould be the voice of the majority of people. A coalition government involving two or more parties would be the great majority of the people. What is wrong with that? The answer is nothing.

A few short years ago Harper "united the right" which essentially means he got two parties with similar views to come together and rule as one party. Sounds a lot like a coalition don't ya think? So there is a clear double standard being thrown around here. But to further argue against the stupidity, look at other democracies around the world, democracies much older than Canada's. For instance Britain, you know Britain, they have a Queen and bad teeth and had a big hand at forming Canada. Yeah, that Britain, well they recently had an election and the way it all was settled was through a coalition. I have a feeling Harper wouldn't go up to the current Prime Minister of Britain and say his coalition is only possibly because of a group of "losers" propping up another political party.

The bottom line is parties should not be the be-all and end-all. It is all about what is best for the people, not about who may be offended because one party's colours might clash with another's. Grow up people, leave your egos at the door because a country cannot be run when egos and silly double standards are getting in the way.

Waving goodbye to democracy

2010-06-29T13:47:00.004-04:00

Every individual in Canada has the right to protest. As long as it is peaceful and doesn`t harm others, protesting is a key democratic right that should never be taken away. This passed weekend, as the G20 met in Toronto, there were numerous protests around the city. Although there were obviously people who decided to be idiots and destroy property, now coined in media everywhere as the Black Bloc, the great majority of the people there were protesting in the correct peaceful way.

For one reason or another, the democratic rights of many people were taken away as police overstepped their bounds, arresting innocent individuals and causing many bodily harm. It`s a sad day for democracy. Just because SOME people resorted to vandalism and violence, it was certainly not the majority of protesters and to lump all protesters under the label of hoodlums or anything similar is nothing but sensationalism and lies.

It is the equivalent of someone saying all police officers are crooked because there are some who break the law (extortion, sell drugs etc). In short, the actions of the Toronto Police were incredibly hypocritical. What`s worse, the police went after journalists who, love us or hate us, are there to get information to the people. Again, that is a democratic right. Free press helps democracy work, but from what I`ve seen there was nothing free about the way people were treated.

Have a look at these two links:
http://www.j-source.ca/english_new/detail.php?id=5299
http://vimeo.com/12883752
They are only a couple of examples of the numerous incidents, but after watching them, if police were treating people in this way in just these two videos you can imagine what else was going on.

Further to this, I`m ashamed to say the government of my former home province quietly passed temporary powers just for the G20 conference. Originally it was thought anyone who came within five metres of the security fence "protecting" the convention centre where the meetings were taking place could be arrested by police officers for not showing ID or saying why they were in the area. In a further insult, it was recently learned that, although the government had given the police more powers, the idea of the five metre limit was put into play by Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair. He essentially decided where thousands of free citizens could and could not go. His reasoning, he said, was that he was trying to "keep the criminals out". So, by enforcing an arbitrary rule on everyone, was he not indirectly calling all protestors criminals? I'm pretty sure, in a free country, the people are allowed to walk in any public place without repercussions. This is one more right taken away, and this time the provincial government allowed it along with the police who used their new found powers and then some.

If we really look at it, we can go right to the core of law enforcement in this country, at least when it comes to protesting pro-corporate, pro-globalization and pro-government meetings. In 2007 Quebec police officers were caught on tape trying to insight violence at a meeting of North American leaders. They later admitted to the tactic of trying to encourage violence at an otherwise peaceful protest.

How many more examples do we need? Protesters, for the great majority, are not people looking to cause issues, they are making their voices heard. That is there right. Period. This past weekend, and on many other occasions, that and many other rights were taken away from Canadian citizens. But it would seem the institutions we have to put our trust in to run our country and represent the people were too busy trying to impress visitors.

I guess that is what a billion dollar security bill gets us: a suspension of the Bill of Rights.

The stories from the bus go 'round and 'round

2010-06-28T17:48:00.005-04:00

I don't think I will ever get COMPLETELY tired of taking the bus. Admittedly, public transit can be beyond frustrating, but a bus or train can be incredibly entertaining places. Why? Simple. You never know who you will meet (and by meet, I mean observe in as secret a way as possible without them noticing you). If I was smart I would write a book about my experiences and sell them like they are Sham-Wows. As it turns out, I'm not smart, so here I am giving these semi-entertaining stories away for free like a sucker. With all that being said, there is no point fighting who I am, so here you go:

Boozy McGee
Sitting at the back of a bus one night, I was all alone as I worked my way through the third book in a trilogy I had been plugging away at and loving for a couple of months. And since the bus was pretty bare as far as people were concerned, I figured I would be safe in my little literature nook at the back of the white limousine. But that was not the case. A rotund man hovering around 45-years-old sat immediately beside me. Not long after his initial ass-t0-bench contact he asked me about my book and made an almost funny comment about the title.

From there he proceeded to ask me if I wanted a beer. Without bragging, I can say with conviction (or alcoholism?.........joking Mom) that I rarely turn down a beer. This time around, however, I was on a public bus and the person offering me the beer was either partially retarded or already shitfaced. Add to that the beer in question was "Co-Op Gold" and it's pretty clear why I passed.

From there my hefty friend proceeded to ask me to confirm that he was a nice guy. To this I replied, "So far." A few seconds later he slapped me on the back like I was an old college buddy. It was at this point I thanked the maker for a distraction. Boozy McGee turned his attention to an Asian guy who had got on the bus and sat down near us. McGee thought it would be a good idea to get the guy's attention by poking him lightly in the ribs. I felt a little bad because the Asian guy didn't seem to speak English too well and had no idea what the drunken guy was saying, but with that being said, neither did I.

Bathrobe meets McGee
The next morning was Father's Day morning, and it was way too early to be coherent, but for one reason or another I was back on the same bus route going the opposite direction. I have to say, I was a little surprised when I saw McGee from the night before sitting at the back of the bus. I assumed he had simply not gotten off his bender yet, so I sat a few metres from him because he seemed to only be speaking to people close to him.

That theory was soon blown out of the water as a woman, who looked to be about 50, got on the bus in nothing but a bathrobe. She was sporting her bare feet and had a Tim Horton's coffee in one of her hands. "Happy Father's Day," she yelled to the bus driver and, just for good measure, she wished pretty much everyone on the bus (women too) a happy Father's Day.

She passed me, thankfully, and met up with Boozy McGee, who had called her to the back. "Do you have any cigarettes," he asked her as they both went a little wonky and started laughing. Then she told him she didn't but he was more than welcome to have some of her coffee. I guess he was not a caffeine fan because he turned it down. At the blink of an eye, she was at the back door of the bus. Not two stops after getting onto the bus, she was trying to give voice commands for the doors to open. For those of you unaware, we don't live in the year 2468 and Jean-Luc Picard isn't a real person. With a little help from a fellow transit user, she managed to get off the bus and walked back in the same direction of where she got on originally.

Paintball is life, the rest is just details
Although not connected to the other two characters, this guy was too good not to talk about. People take things seriously, sometimes too seriously. Me, you, Jesus, everyone has gone a bit overboard from time to time.

Recently, I was on a bus and I saw a relatively attractive girl speaking to this guy. Long hair, Iron Maiden T-shirt, tight hole-infested, he was not what one would call conventionally attractive or, fuck, even unconventionally attractive. Normally the topic of paintball is not something to open up about with a girl on a bus, but this was no normal day. This female was quite interested as this guy described everything paintball. I've been paintballing, it's fun, but I probably wouldn't use it as a topic of conversation when I am with a woman.

As it turns out, I know nothing. This guy described everything: the different types of paintball games; the different type of balls (yes, funny word, calm yourself) and what they are used for; how he used to work at a paintball shop etc. My stop was coming up, but I had to stay on to hear what this guy was going to say next. As my stop approached I heard him utter the sentence, "I'm addicted.....it must be the adrenaline."

And that, my friends, made it officially into Soap Operaland. Let's not get too dramatic dude. You are shooting your buddies with balls of paint goo, not storming the beaches of Normandy. You already had the girl hook, line and sinker, why go overboard? Answer: Paintball groupies like macho men like that. Recognize.

Park life

2010-06-15T16:35:00.003-04:00

I was walking through my neighbourhood today, beside me was my trusty K9 (Penny), who for some reason felt it necessary for me to take her out four times before lunch. My neighbourhood is in a constant state of construction updates, with a common sight being two older homes demolished to make room for single, much bigger houses. Such is progress I suppose, and by progress I mean the dicks who feel it necessary to start hammering well before a decent hour.

On my journey I noticed for a second time a driveway that said "private driveway". I found this interesting, firstly because it isn't the first time I've seen that type of sign in my neighbourhood, and also because parking in my area is abundant. Unlike downtown, you can pretty much park anywhere that isn't a sidewalk and you're good to go.

But, assuming the people who put up these signs aren't crazy, this must be an issue from time-to-time. I doubt that any sane person would go to all the effort to make/purchase a sign, then install it. The sign I saw today was actually suspended above the driveway with rope- can't miss a sign if you almost run into it.

So, it would seem there are actually people who randomly drive into and use another person's driveway. How can it possibly be a good idea to anyone to roll into a confined space in front of a strange house, shut off the engine and then leave it there for a time? "Yep, here's good!" Beyond it being an asshole move since it blocks the rightful owners of the driveway from using it, I would be worried someone would do something to my car. I doubt it would be legal for the person to break your windows for using their driveway, but a carefully placed nail might be a bit harder to put onto anyone.

This all boils down to parking being stressful. It shouldn't be, but spend ten seconds in the parking lot of a grocery store and you will see people stressed out of their skulls attempting to park, straighten their vehicle or simply drive out of the lot. How about parallel parking? In principle it isn't a hard thing to do, but try telling that to the millions (I assume...maybe it is billions) of people who attempt and fail for parallel park each day around the globe. For every successful parking job there are three people who give up and drive away and I'm willing to wager at least one that hits the car in front or behind them before coming to a complete stop.

I'm all for the environment, but I also think we have another reason wouldn't use cars so much: it will cut back on stress significantly. I've never seen a person upset when attempting to park a bicycle. With that being said, I've never seen a person get laid in the front seat of a bicycle either.

I think we have a paradox.

You're failing

2010-06-15T10:09:00.002-04:00

Torture is bad. So, when there are people that are saying Canadian soldiers and personnel in Afghanistan handed over detainees to the Afghan Military and/or Afghan police who then likely tortured these detainees, it is a very bad thing. In fact, Canada signed documents a long time ago that made it a crime to hand over prisoners to another country if they were knowingly going to be tortured.

People who were in positions privy to this type of information, like say Canadian diplomat Richard Colvin who was stationed in Afghanistan, brought these allegations it to the attention of authorities. He got nowhere. When there are documents supplied to the government proving this one way or the other, that is an important document to say the least. Currently, the government will not release anything but incoherent, censored version of said document because of national security.

Close to two months ago the speaker of the house ( in the Canadian Parliament, you Americans will have to look it up) and told the government to hand over the documents. Actually, what he said was for all the political parties to get together and come up with a compromise that will make them all happy. Seven weeks later that hasn't happened.

I have to say, I'm disgusted. In Canada, we don't take pride in a lot of things, but this is the type of situation where we truly consider ourselves on a higher plateau than most. We are respectful of others blah blah blah. Apparently not.

The government and the opposition parties are failing us. Period. When it comes to torture, there should be no worrying about who on this side of the world is going to get in trouble, or put under a spotlight. We're talking about people getting tortured possibly because of actions Canadians took. No one deserves that, especially without evidence, a trial or any of the other luxuries a truly free society gets to enjoy.

The government is trying to hide this document and any details telling what really happened in Afghanistan. They've tried to silence Colvin and they are attempting to block the document from seeing the light of day.

The opposition parties, in my mind, are being incredibly weak. The speaker ordered the government to let you see the documents and the opposition parties are still going along with the ridiculous process seven weeks later? Please say that out loud and tell me how sad it sounds. to me, I have to say, it sounds pretty fucking pathetic.

For the record this is clearly not the first time torture has put a shadow over Canada. Go back to the somalia affair in the '90s, or even the Maher Arar situation that somehow has been all but forgotten in the Canadian media.

Jean Chretien recently made a speech in Ottawa and talked about how public life (being a politician) is a noble life. Yes, it can be, when politicians think of people first and themselves second. It's pretty safe to say that there is a lot of information being covered up and buried. This shows that some politicians are putting themselves and "national security" before humans. Once politicians start seeing themselves as being above other citizens, it isn't national security anymore.

By not sharing vital information to the public, information that will truly allow them to judge how the government is really doing, then national security is no longer an issue, because we can't have national security of the public doesn't really know what is going on.

In this case, we are in the dark and I don't see a glimmering light in the distance.

Stupid like a fox

2010-06-10T12:14:00.002-04:00

Are you ready people? Not since the National Post opening its doors have we seen such a right-wing move hit Canadian media so hard. Granted the National Post ain't what it used to be as far as its conservative lean goes (they teamed up with CBC for crying out loud), but at one time it was quite a threat to the so-called leftist media in Canada.

Well'p, if everything falls into place Canada may have a right wing media source that will make the National Post look like the communist manifesto. It is being reported that Quebecor, the uber media company, has filed with the CRTC in hopes of getting permission for an all news network that will be styled after Fox News in the US.

Quebecor recently hired Prime Minister Stephen Harper's former spokesperson, Kory Teneycke, who will be heading this project. If this is true, the new network will be run by the spokesperson for arguably the most ruthless and arrogant PM in recent memory (yes, even worse than Chretien).

And with that, I am torn. I'm certainly not partisan, but it is pretty clear I am rather left leaning. I think Fox News is a joke and its only purpose, in my mind, is for a laugh. Yet, in the US it gets good ratings. Will that happen up here? I don't know if our right wing population is quite as strong, but it will be interesting. Fox is ruthless. They gave Bill O'Reilly. He's a mixture between crazy and entertaining, but certainly not a credible journalist in my eyes. And what about Glenn Beck, what exactly is that guy's deal?

I can't say this is good for Canadian media, at least not in the short term, but I am all for freedom of expression. Everyone has a right to an opinion, and any company can start a news channel if they have the money (oh, and get that pesky broadcast license thing). What, I think, this move will do is polarize Canadian media. To compensate, centre-left news sources will try to separate themselves from Quebecor's beast by going in the opposite direction. What we think of right leaning news sources now will try to keep their reputations by competing with the right wing methods of Quebecor's news channel.

Al Jazeera is available in Canada, and rightfully so. The more viewpoints we have in the news media the better. Many of these viewpoints will clash, but that is the beauty of it. This could help get viewers and readers to analyze the news a bit closer, take in different sources and make a more informed opinion. This could be the start of a news resurgence in this country.

One question remains, though: Who is the Canadian Bill O'Reilly?

If I had a billion dollars...

2010-06-07T16:40:00.004-04:00

For those who haven't being paying attention to any of the News networks that play their content in a never ending loop, at the end of the month Canada will host a meeting of the G8 which will be immediately followed by a meeting of the G20.

This, as has been quoted endlessly in the media, is the first time both groups have been hosted by the same country at the same time. It is also for this reason that the government has deemed it acceptable to pay upwards of a Billion dollars on security and other costs for these two events.

Right away the Billion dollar quote for the price of the events perks everyone's ears up, but let's really look at this. Originally the two groups were going to be hosted North of Toronto in the Muskoka region (Deerhurst specifically) but once the government realized that the area couldn't handle all those people (politicians, reporters, aids, security personnel etc.) it was decided that the smartest thing to do would be to move these meetings to the core of Canada's largest city.

I am no security expert, I admit, but I am aghast at the amount of money Canada is spending on three days of talks. Yes, security is important, but at what cost? There is some irony that the G20 now has the mandate to make economic decisions instead of the G8 because there is more of a say from emerging economies and the G20 makes up more of the world's wealth than the G8. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is spending an ungodly amount of money on a summit that will be (or should be, I recenlty read that the economy, maternal health and the environment are not going to be big topics of conversation) discussing and trying to develop ways to cut needless spending by nations so they can further turn around the economic mess we are trying to get out of.

Rather than trying to limit the amount of people coming to these events in order to save on costs and ensure the two events take place as efficiently as possible, the government is simply making excuses for the cost. Reports have come out recently showing what some of the money is being spent on, for instance a fake lake inside the convention centre that is said to cost $57,000.

I am well aware security costs a lot, and these events take months of planning. But that is no justification. If we are so damn worried about security for our people, why not throw money into our more than needy military. Would that not help our security in the long term while giving Canada further abilities to help other countries when needed?

Auditor General Sheila Fraser's office will be looking at the costs of these two events (which are essentially one event) after the fact, but if she finds that money could have been saved, it will be way too late to recoup anything.

I realize I sound like a super left-wing individual right now, but that is not my intention. I'm all for Canada hosting international summits and events, but the fact is NO country should be paying a billion dollars to host a group of roughly 20 nations for three days. With Greece, Spain and other notable countries having major economic issues, is it not slightly irresponsible to be dishing out money we don't have? It seems like there is no half way point here. Either we spend a stupid amount of money or we do nothing at all. At some point long before these meetings, governments (with Canada leading) should have got together and figured out a way to cut costs while not skimping on security.

Not possible? I refuse to take that as an answer. Even a portion of that billion dollars can go to so many areas that not only make more sense, but will or could have an immediate impact. Health care, housing, paying off our national debt, feeding starving children. You name it.

In my opinion, it seems like this price tag is only being paid because Canada seems to have a complex about being perceived as a small player on the world stage. Not sticking up for ourselves on a financial level seems to feed the point that we are a small player. While Flaherty makes speeches confronting many major countries about a bank tax which he sees as unneeded and not the right move, we are spending a billion dollars which is not needed and isn't the right move.

Let's make up our minds, are we strong players on the world stage with something to say or are we the loser on the block who has a big house so everyone comes over to party and wreck our place when the parents aren't home?

We should probably make up our minds.

Thanks for nothing. Literally.

2010-05-26T23:47:00.006-04:00

Praise the good lord, we're saved! Our saviour may not be who or what you expected, but this entity saved us all the same and we must be thankful. And the name of our great saviour is Miller Lite (brewed by MillerCoors).

I realize that neither beer nor a beer company are quite what we were all expecting as our saviour, but I don`t know what to tell you, I'm just some guy and I rarely make the rules (except in Monopoly where all the money when you pay out goes in the middle not the bank suckas), that's just the way it ended up. And, get this, it isn't even the beer itself, it is what the beer comes in.

The bright people at MillerCoors came up with what they have called a "Vortex" bottle that has a neck that is corkscrewed on the inside (or rifled if you will); because of this there is improved drinkability, apparently. This is kind of like getting a gift you never, ever asked for, but are expected to be excited about it. Picture yourself as a youngster, up early on Christmas morning, unable to sleep from the anxious feeling in your stomach caused by the super cool Nitro Omega Neon Nuclear Bionic Atomic Remote Control Racing Car you've been asking for since it was released a week ago. You jump out of bed at a quarter-passed get back to fucking bed O'Clock (parental talk), run down stairs, tear open a box, only to find Grandma Mable didn't buy you this gift like she promised, because she thought a new winter jacket would be more useful, especially since you live in fucking Arizona. It is the same sort of feeling (I guess, cuz' I made all that up).

So thanks MillerCoors, but let me reject your gift and pose you a question: when was the last time you heard a person complain that getting beer out of an open bottle is a difficult task? Don't bother trying, the answer is never. If you need a fucking corkscrew bottleneck to get beer into your mouth, I apologize for the naughty talk, but you are simply a dumb, dumb, dumb individual. Confused on how to chug a beer properly? It's not difficult tip the bottle and continuously swallow (remember to breathe also....that's a big one). Don't be discouraged, practice makes perfect (I'm just kidding, I do not, in anyway, condone or promote the binge drinking of alcohol in anyway. This blog is for entertainment purposes only and the views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of me, Jesus, or the Global Television Netowork). The only times beer bottles cause stress are when they have a pop top and you have no bottle opener (use the edge of a hard surface like a kitchen counter, they work fabulously); or when they are room temperature and you really want to drink and forget the less-than-interesting individuals beside you at a party. Other than that, if you have a beer in your hand (even a bad beer) you are made in the shade.

I don't drink a lot of light beers ('lite') beers, but I admit that Miller Lite isn't the worst thing in the world. It sure isn't the nectar of the gods, but it will do in a pinch. By introducing this stupid gimick you, MillerCoors, are making your product look like a joke.

But in this case the joke isn't funny................................................OK, yes it is! Bahahaha, twits.

The Kief

2010-05-26T14:37:00.005-04:00

Kiefer Sutherland is quite a popular actor on both sides of the border and dare I say around the globe. With the 24 series finale fresh in the minds of many, Sutherland should be on cloud nine with the success the show had. I have to admit, I like him too. Generally I'm cynical as all hell when it comes to Hollywood and many actors, but he's Canadian, a good actor, likes hockey, seems like a half-decent guy, has made some good movies and reportedly has a drinking problem which, in turn, can turn into some hilarious stories about him head-butting people.

In 1989 when Sutherland was an up and coming young talent that made other hits like Lost Boys, and the popular Julia Roberts co-starring movie Flatliners. He also happened upon a movie entitled Renegades. I haven't seen this movie, so I am purely going on assumption here, but I think it's pretty good assumption. This isn't a shot at Kiefer, because it isn't his fault, but whoever wrote this movie really needs a good talking to. Remember, I have never seen this movie, but I have two words that prove my point. Sutherland's character in the movie is an undercover cop by the name of .... wait for it ... wait for it ... Buster McHenry! Seriously, I'm not shitting you! You might as well call him Karate McChop. Honestly, what the fuck?

Yes people, there was actually a person who had some sort of say in this movie that thought this was a good idea. Not just a good idea, the best idea the entire writing and production staff could come up with. The only excuse for this is drug use, and it better have been one hell of a drug. Buster McHenry? The co-star in this movie is former (like two decades ago former) movie star Lou Diamond Phillips. His name in the movie? Hank Storm. It keeps getting better and better.

This movie is classified as an action/drama, not the stupid/pointless category. This movie, however, is not a complete loss, it proves one thing: Hollywood was going downhill long before Paris Hilton was cast in a feature film.

Ignoring the obvious

2010-05-19T19:55:00.002-04:00

If you know a nerd you know that The movie Prince of Persia is coming out soon- the big budget, super-movie that is roughly based on a popular video game franchise which was a revive of a game from 80s/early-90s. The idea of making a movie version of this game is fine by me; I think it has enough elements to be mildly entertaining for an hour and a half.

What I do have a problem with the movie they ended up making. I haven't seen it, and I don't think I will see it. Why? Little things such as the main character. The lead is played by Jake Gyllenhaal. He's been in some good movies, and all things considered I would say he is a pretty good actor. That being said, he isn't a shape shifter, which is why I find it odd that the lead character in the Prince of Persia movie isn't...oh, what's the word....... Oh yes, Persian!?! He's no where close to being middle-eastern. The dude is as white as I am, and I am admittedly really pale. Again, nothing against Mr. Gyllenhaal, but unless you have the ability to change skin colour, morph your overall facial structure and learn a truly believable accent, you didn't stand a chance.

So I am trying to think of a plausible reason for why they would cast this man in the role clearly meant to be someone of middle-eastern decent. There is the money reasoning: Just stick a huge actor in any high-action piece of crap and people will see it. Then there is the possibility that American audiences wouldn't much dig a hero who is both good and likely Muslim. That may blow the minds of the public a bit too much. Or maybe there are reasons I'm just not thinking of. If you know, please feel free to inform me.

The Prince of Persia being white makes about as much sense as the Queen of England being Chinese; both bring about hilarious visuals, but let's at least attempt to keep some cultural consistency.

Real men watch TV

2010-05-17T10:46:00.002-04:00

As I understand it, to be a real man, I have to swear a lot, spit 'chew' on the ground as I walk in my cowboy boots, call women 'broads', drive a pick-up truck, talk about horsepower whenever an opportunity presents itself and, oh yes, watch a shit load of television.

I didn't realize television was something real men took seriously; TV was never macho before, and ever since American Idol came to be, TV simply hasn't been something us real men pay much attention to. But things are changing. A few years ago a little show called Deadliest Catch started the revolution. Focusing on a group of Crab Fishermen in Alaska, the show is essentially a reality TV show for men. Crab fishing is reportedly one of the deadliest jobs in North America, so there is little wonder why rugged men like myself watch the show.

Who would have known this one show wold start a tidal wave of similar shows that have virtually taken over the upper echelon of the channels I get. As a truly rough and tough man, I don't mind all these manly shows that have hit the air. Along with Deadliest Catch there is Lobstermen (the name is self explanatory). From the water back to dry land, there happen to be no less than three shows about logging of all things. Why? Apparently because logging is also dangerous, and danger means good television. American Loggers, Swamp Loggers and Ax Men are all wood-centred programs that somehow survive on television. My favourite is Ax Men because there is actually a guy on the show that lost his entire hand (minus his thumb) and continues to harvest trees.

But if you aren't into logging or fishing-en-masse, there are plenty of other manly shows for you to take in and help you feel like a tough guy. There are shows that capture the day-to-day activities of oil rig workers in Alberta and B.C. Nothing is more manly than watching other people stick large tubes in the ground and syphon out thick, black liquid. Not your flavour? Just throw on the Discovery Channel and watch a show called Dirty Jobs, where a gentleman goes around the U.S. trying out......wait for it......the country's dirtiest jobs.

This world truly is amazing. We men no longer have to do anything to be manly, we just have to turn on the television.

A lesson on Canadians

2010-05-11T01:02:00.005-04:00

I've held my tongue long enough. I've tried to be the guy who turns the other cheek and ignores the falsities that are broadcast throughout not just America, but the whole world about my beloved country called Canada. Nothing is going to change though and as much as I know this blog won't change the world, it certainly is a good venting mechanism.

Yes, I'm well aware anyone and everyone reading this from another nation are thinking, "Oh, good, the Canadian guy is going to spout off some polite BS about hockey, beer, legalizing weed and a bunch of other tripe we're already aware of." I appreciate your candor, and you're not completely off the mark, but no, I'm am going to attempt to be slightly less obvious than that.

The trigger, of all things, is the amazing amount of people who believe that Canadian Bacon is some amazing invention that we Canucks eat like it's potatoes during the Irish famine. I hate to be the one to tell everyone this, but Canadians eat bacon. Regular, delicious, strips of bacon. Sure, I know people who eat back bacon (aka. Canadian Bacon), but it's not popular. If you go into a grocery store in Canada there will never be an aisle devoted to the particular meat in question. Come to think of it, if you are able to find a true selection of "Canadian Bacon" in a grocery store, I will call you a liar. It's available, people eat it, but it is not eaten any more than say liver, Brussels sprouts, Pineapple Upside Down Cakes (too time intensive) or the beverage formerly known as Zema.

And, now that we're on the topic, let's tackle a few more stereotypes that people believe about Canada. And please, for the love of god, please do not point out that the fact I am posting this is a classic Canadian trait of being self-conscious. I am well aware I am self conscious and I am slowly working with my therapist, psychologist, spiritualist and fortune teller about that exact issue.

So, until my team of professionals solve the issue I just mentioned, let me continue. The biggest misconception is the French thing. About 10 years ago I was in San Diego for the magazine I was working for at the time. It was (and still is, Be-Mag represent!) a rollerblading magazine. I was speaking with a well-known, pro rollerblader at the time and after I told him I was from Canada. He was amazed at my ability to speak English. After a few awkward moments of me not understanding what the hell he was trying to get at, he explained that he thought all Canadians spoke French. For the love of Pete, please listen carefully everyone who thinks along the same lines: Canada is the second largest (geographically) country in the world. Of the 10 provinces and three territories that make up Canada, only one province is predominantly French, it is called Quebec and it is French because of that whole war between the French and the English hundreds of years ago. I will save you the history lesson, so just trust me on this. Naturally, there are other smaller pockets of French in Canada. New Brunswick is another province that is about 50/50 English and French, Ontario (where Toronto is) has pockets of French near the provincial border with Quebec and there is a French population of note in another province, Manitoba, but again that dates back to well before the founding of the country. Basically, what I am saying is that a visit to Canada will likely not land you into a group people speaking French unless you happen to go to Quebec. About 65 per cent do not speak French well enough to order a Happy Meal at McDonald's.

And now we get to that whole Winter thing. Newsflash dumb-dumbs, we are a country that borders the Arctic, of course there is a significant amount of Winter in Canada. The country, again, is fucking gigantic. The Climate is absolutely dependent on where you are in the country. As an example, Vancouver is one of the rainiest places in North America, but sees little snow. There are even parts of Ontario (AKA. Toronto) that match the same latitude of Northern California, which might surprise you. When all of Europe can fit in a couple of provinces of another country, there is little wonder the climate differs dramatically. Please don't get me wrong, though, Canada is a nation that knows Winter really well, just don't' come here and expect everyone to live in igloos.

This next example hurts me, but it is true. I remember seeing an American comedian on TV performing at Montreal's Just for Laughs Festival. To start the act he made some comment about Canadian beer being kick-ass strong. While there are certainly beers up here that have a silly amount of alcohol (8-10 per cent, if not more), Canadian beer isn't that much stronger than American beer. The two countries measure alcohol content differently (the Canada by volume, the US by weight), so despite rumours, Canadian beers are not that much more potent. On average, Canadian beers do have a higher alcohol content- it isn't anything of major significance. We can argue the taste issue another time, but our beer, admittedly, isn't rocket-fuel like many people think. On the other hand, light beer (for god-knows what reason) is more popular in the States, which is another sticking point.

And now that we have all that out of the way, I have to admit to the stereotypes that are absolutely accurate. Canadians do apologize for no reason. It's true. If you don't hold a door for someone, you're going to look like a bit of an asshole, because that is something that is pretty standard. Cut someone off in a grocery store with your cart, that will be a competition to see who is more sorry; Marijuana is incredibly more accepted in Canada (being decriminalized for a short time, thank you very much Conservative government); yes, homosexual relationships tend to be more accepted than the US; hockey is an obsession, there is no denying that; we are self conscious about our national identity; Tim Horton's is a national institution that will amaze any visitor from any country when they first see a morning coffee rush; poutine (fried, cheese curds and gravy) is a heart attack waiting to happen but tastes so good when you're in the mood and.

And that is all I have to say about this topic....for now. This post, come to think of it, is the quintessential Canadian post: proud about some things, self conscious about most.

A damn shame

2010-05-10T18:28:00.005-04:00

As I type this there are thousands of barrels worth of oil gushing from the earth and into the waters off of Louisiana, Florida and other states. The environmental affects cannot be fathomed, and we truly won't know what they will be likely for years to come. Despite attempts to stop the gushing oil, or at least limit the amount leaking into the ocean, nothing has worked. This is a damn shame.

It's actually sad, in my mind, that people are not more upset about this. Sure, there is media attention, but beyond the fishermen in the area whose livelihoods are being attacked and most environmental groups, there are few really making a stink about this. When a minimum of 800,000 barrels worth of oil leak into the ocean every day, how are we not more upset? Whenever we hear the term Exxon Valdez, most people immediately think of the horrible situation in 1989 where an oil tanker hit a reef and poured immense amounts of oil into waters just off of Alaska, which eventually hit the coast. It was a horrible and avoidable disaster, but it was also a small instance in comparison to what we are seeing now.

From what we can tell there were no decent contingency plans for an incident like the one that is currently happening in the Gulf of Mexico, and anything that has been tried to cull the disaster, simply hasn't worked. I find this amazing, considering the potential for disaster hasn't gone up or down. It has always been there, yet there really was no emergency plan. If there was, what the hell was it, because it sure isn't working.

What's more amazing, is immediately after the disaster started, Barack Obama made some comments about it being horrible, but also said how important off shore oil exploration and drilling is. Before George W. Bush left office he made it so more off shore oil drilling was legally allowed off the shores o the U.S. So it is clear that this is not a partisan thing, governments love oil. Fine, I get that on some levels, but in order to have an efficient and productive oil industry, safeties have to be in place. They clearly aren't. And this isn't the first time an oil rig has collapsed, exploded, failed or whatever term you want to use. We've been lucky that this is the first time something of this size has happened, but it is far from over, and it could very well be a sign of things to come.

If we are going to be so damn dependent on oil, collectively we have to give our heads a shake and figure out how to do it properly. And if we can't have off shore oil rigs operate safely, then we simply shouldn't be doing it. This, many will tell me, is too easy of an answer. And to this I simply reply, I'd much rather the challenge of moving away from oil and/or drilling safely in areas where disasters like this are much less likely. The alternative is ruining aquatic environments, fishing industries, marine life and, in the end, the overall way of life along coastlines throughout the world.

Every day, parents everywhere preach to their children about being responsible. Maybe we should ensure this is put into practice in the real world too. Hair pulling on the schoolyard is one thing, destroying the planet by using unsafe and potentially disastrous method is something completely different.

Opening a door

2010-05-09T20:38:00.004-04:00

Everyday, all around the English speaking world, an amazing amount of terms and sayings are thrown around that don't really make a lot of sense if we all put any amount of thought into them, but since we don't really think to critically about what we say, the terms and sayings are used seamlessly with the rest of the English language.

Here's an example: A guy walks into a room with a shit eating grin on his face, and another individual asks him a question about his day. "Hey, how did the job interview go," a person asks. To this, Guy Smiley replies, "Like butter!" Most of us understand what that means right away. Without thinking about it, our brains have processed that statement and moved on. What does that really mean though? If it was supposed to mean "smooth" then that doesn't make sense, since butter is a semi-solid, it isn't smooth until it is melting and melting butter just makes a mess. If he were trying to say it was "easy", then how does butter come into play? It doesn't, and this is my point- a term or saying doesn't have to make sense in order for people to use it in everyday speech. It just has to seem like it makes sense.

Nope, wait, I take that back. It has to seem like it makes sense, and it has to sound good. And with that I am going to throw my hat into the ring and attempt to have a term of my own make it into the slang-like vocabulary we use everyday. A couple of weeks ago the front door to my apartment came off its hinges and quite literally fell off the mounts they were on. This being the second time it has happened in a matter of months, I was none too impressed, but I also found it funny. How often do you hear of a door falling off its hinges? Rarely at best. So beyond my frustration, I found it hilarious. Hilarious in the way a pissed off drunk girl throwing her iPhone at the wall because she can't hit the right keys while texting is funny. It's a mixture of humour and ridiculousness.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the term that will be used until the end of time: Apartment Door
Possible conversations:
#1 Say, what is wrong with that girl?
I dunno man, she's a fucking apartment door.

#2 Did you see that car? It literally had three wheels.
Seriously, it's an apartment door!

#3 The dude singing 'Sweet Caroline' at Karaoke was so bad, it was good. A true apartment door.

It's just that easy folks. If we`re going to use this language and add to it, we might as well have some fun with it. The way I see it the internet and `lols` are slowly whittling away what `proper`English is anyway. It`s pretty much to the point where English is, ironically, an apartment door.

Come to think of it, this post has a certain amount of ridiculousness and humour to it, so this post is also an apartment door. My plan worked.

One of the many things I can't do

2010-04-28T14:56:00.004-04:00

As the saying goes: A kiss, is still a kiss.
Bullshit. It's not that simple. When it comes to kissing in the romantic sense, I can kiss fairly well. Unless all my former girlfriends, drunken makeout partners and celebrity fantasies were lying, I can kiss pretty well. I've had a few compliments and have yet to have a complaint (although I am sure I just jinxed myself by writing that). I probably shouldn't toot my own horn to any great degree, though, because kissing isn't that hard of a thing to do. It's a simple concept with the hardest part being the question of whether the recipricant actually wants the kiss to happen. Thus far I haven't been slapped for an unwanted kiss, but now that I think about it, I should have probably gone "in for the kill" more than I have. So now that we have established that I am a pretty good romantic kisser and a mediocre lover, let's move on to the more complicated facets of the kissing world.

I hope it doesn't freak anyone out to know I kiss my dog. No, you freaks, not in some open-mouthed, beastiality way. I love my pooch, and she is an absolute suck, so I will gladly admit that I give Penny a kiss on the head, snout etc. when she is cuddling with me. In return she'll lick my face and all is well- except when she does it at 6:45 in the morning to wake me up. But that is neither here nor there. I've also be known to kiss inanimate objects on ocassion. Let's, for example, take a glass of beer, I'm sure in one state or another I've shown my love for the nectar of the gods (fuck you wine, I stick by my description), and I've likely done the same thing to the TV before when a certain team (MONTREAL) wins an important game.

But, and it's a big but, I am an absolute useless individual when it comes to the friendly kiss on the cheek. The European double-cheek kiss, or even the more casual single-cheek kiss baffle me. I don't have a clue. I haven't had the opportunity (I avoid and go for the handshake or hug) to attempt either type cheek kiss when when I have dove into the deep end, I generally screw it up and end up diving into shallow water.

I don't exactly know why, but it never goes well. Now that I think about it, I'm sure part of it has to do with timing. If heads are not turned at the right time a full on lip smooch could indeed happen. It has yet to happen to me, but I watch sticoms and that kind of thing occurs all the time on television. I can picture myself on an episode of Friends where I accidently kiss one of Monica's bosses on the mouth and hilarity ensues.

There is also the issue of contact. How much lip-to-cheek contact is needed? I've seen some people just graze the cheek or even hover before the cheek and make a kissing noise. Others go all out and lay their lips directly on the cheek like the are claiming the territory as a new found nation. Which is politcally correct? There should be a damn manual for this kind of thing. Does it change by region? Do the people of the Pacific North West kiss cheeks the same way the population of Eastern Canada kiss cheeks?

As per usual, I don't have all the answers, and I don't plan on going back to university to study the history of kissing, so I can do one of two things: avoid human interaction altogether, or, when people go to kiss me on the cheek, look shocked and appauled and accuse them of violating my personal space. I COULD feel awkward and give cheek kissing a shot, but turning the tables and making the other person feel awkward is much easier.

Check mate.

Can it

2010-04-17T00:31:00.007-04:00

You know those times in life when you walk by someone or something and you literally have to look at it twice because you cannot believe what you are seeing? The times that make you realize just how ridiculous this world can be.?

It happened to me tonight. The circumstance wasn't overly exciting, nor important, but I couldn't help but laugh at the fact someone in power thought it was a good idea. You see, I was walking down the street, and as I made my way closer and closer to a bus stop my eye couldn't' help but be caught by a red and white sign. Connected to the bus shelter was a garbage can, and on that can read the following: "Transit customer use only".

Yes ladies and gentlemen, in Calgary, it would seem that ensuring only paying transit customers use city owned garbage cans is a high priority. At some point one or more people got together, one person pitched the idea, and at least one other person agreed that it was not only a good idea, but one that needed to be implemented with haste. Does that not scare anyone else a little bit; like fuck, there are people out there that sit back in their offices and worry about the rampant over use of garbage cans connected to bus stops?

Let's first look at why this is not an important issue. The city runs the transit system; the city functions off of taxes Calgary residents pay, so does that not give them the right to use a garbage can? I'm going to lean on the side of 'yes'. Furthermore, doesn't the city want people to use garbage facilities rather than say, I don't know, throw trash on the ground? What do you want people to do with their garbage exactly? The better people out there will hold onto it until they can find a garbage can or recycle bin they are legally allowed to use. But, let's face it, a lot of people will simply throw and garbage they have on the ground.

Let's, for argument's sake, pretend (because it isn't) this is a good idea. How on earth are you going to enforce it? Is this an issue that needs hired garbage monitors to ensure only transit users throw things in transit garbage cans? Perhaps a pay-card system where we buy points on a card which we then swipe at the garbage can allowing us to use it for a price? How ridiculous can we get here?

So, to whomever this gem of an idea belongs to, let me just say thank you for conquering that incredibly pressing issue. Now that we have it out of the way we can begin working on less important things like the meaning of life and the cure for cancer and why juggling isn't an olympic sport.

Cut and paste

2010-04-15T14:55:00.003-04:00

It is an absolute wonder that politicians in Canada are able to keep the country running, especially considering Canada is doing fairly well on the recovery stage (from the recession, not from the Olympics), in comparison to most other developed nations. I refuse, however, to give the Conservative party or any other political party too much credit because, the fact is, the amount of bickering, lies and bullshit that continues to come from Ottawa is fucking astounding.

I'm not going to be partisan here, because I think all the major political parties have to get their collective head up of their collective ass for way too long. I don't think any of them truly know what Canadians want, and as much as they should be focusing on the people that put them into power, arguing on Parliament Hill and going around the country acting high-and-mighty is really at the top of their priority lists.

Let's take the Conservative Party. Rather than giving the public real answers to the questions being asked, they are too busy covering up fuck-up after fuck-up. The Afghan detainee issue has still not been addressed properly, and as time drags on it becomes more and more of a farce. Over the past few weeks attention has been focused on two [now] former MPs that served in the Conservative party. First was a man by the name of Rahim Jaffer who has been in controversy before, but this time he somehow avoided any major charges for driving intoxicated, speeding and possessing cocaine. Then his wife and up until a few days ago MP Helena Geurgis got in trouble for reaming out airport employees in PEI and calling the place a hell hole. Then, a staff member of hers wrote a letter (maybe letters) to a newspaper defending her boss but using a different last name than she normally goes by. Now the "power" couple are being accused for improperly using parliamentary resources and in one or more instance passing himself off (Jaffer that is) as having a lot of sway with the government, enough to get certain funding and business deals done. That is one hell of a mouthful and I just gave you the Coles Notes version.

For the record, we should not have to be watching and dealing with this crap. These people are voted into power by Canadians to help fix and progress the country, not to use the perks that come with their positions to do whatever they please. It's sad. We're supposed to look up to these people and admire them for their hard work? Jesus, I would rather watch an episode of the view than this shit show.

And as much as I am not a fan of the Conservative party, they aren't the only ones on The Hill. Gilles Duceppe, whom I normally like as a politician, has booked dates across the country to get a feel for how Canadians feel about Quebec and its sovereignty (among other things). Again, I like Duceppe, but I refuse to give any credit to him and his dated mission to separate Quebec from Canada. But that is neither here, nor there. What erks me is the fact that his party ONLY runs for seats in Quebec. Right there, I think it makes the party illegitimate, since it is a "federal" party and running at the national level, the party should have to run in every province and territory, in my humble opinion. That isn't the case, which I've learned to live with, but I have one question for Mr. Duceppe: If you feel as though your party only has the views and interests of Quebeckers in mind, then why do you give a piper's fuck what the rest of Canada thinks? Don't tour the country acting like you give a damn about the other regions when, at the end of the day, the only group of people whose views you care about are Quebeckers. That isn't a shot to Quebec, it's as much a part of Canada as any other province of territory, and at the same time it is not above any other province of territory.

As for the left-leaning (centre-leaning in some cases) parties, well'p, where the hell are you? The Liberals have had time to get their act together, but the leadership so dearly needed doesn't seem to be getting through. Want to know how to reach Canadians? Stop arguing with the Conservatives like you're bitching over a past boyfriend and do something. You've had your conferences, studies, tours and everything else. Congrats. Now what? I'm not saying call an election, I'm saying stop bickering with the party in power and give Canadians some answers, or at the very least, some solid options. As it stands, I have yet to hear anything from the Liberals that has blown me away, and right now you need ideas that truly blow Canadians away. And by blow away, I don't mean taking voters in the palm of your hand and literally blowing them farther away from your party, I mean blowing their minds with credible, quality and progressive ideas.

The NDP has an excuse since its leader, Jack Layton, is battling cancer. But the party is, or at least should be, more than one man and that is exactly the issue with the NDP. Other than Layton, few people can name another MP the party has on The Hill. The Green party is pretty much the same, only they have no MPs and only seem to be vocal in and around election season. Politics isn't a limited time gig, it's a 24/7 obsession. The smaller the party the harder you have to work to be recognized.

As I write this I get the sensation of deja vu. Maybe it is because these problems have been the bane of Canadian politics for the better part of a decade (if not well beyond that) and I don't see much of a change on the horizon. I really hope I'm wrong, but if Canadian politics were a book, the author got lazy and each chapter has way too much copy and pasting from the chapter preceding it. Let's just hope this damn book doesn't have a sequel, I still have to read the Twilight saga.

Go see this movie

2010-04-13T00:30:00.003-04:00

Go see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo right now. I won't ruin it by giving details, just know that it is the best movie I have seen in a long, long time. Better yet, read the book, I'm just about to and apparently it is even better than the movie.

That is all.

It's a small world after all...

2010-04-12T13:26:00.003-04:00

One of the things that always sticks out in my memory from my time in J-school is something the head of our program kept telling us. Basically, using clichés should be avoided at all costs, (unless you're writing headlines, but that is a rant for another day) is what he said. So with that, I have always tried to avoid them when I write. Today, however, I can't avoid a particular cliché because it truly is a small world after all. Confused? Walk with me...

There have been a few times over the past five or so years that this cliché has been incredibly accurate. Just the other day another one of these instances came about and now my mind is swimming with confusion. In a world with billions of people and in a country of more than 30 million, it is amazing the people we run into.

I was in a music store and I saw a guy. It took a couple of seconds and it all came rushing back. A couple of years ago I worked at a ballpark during the summer for some "extra" cash. I was a server, and this particular gentleman basically ran the park because his dad was one of the owners of the team and the park. At the end of the dismal season (for the team, it was actually a fun job) we all went our ways and he was off to Montreal. Fast forward to the other day and he happens to be in the same music store as me, thousands of kilometres from Ottawa (where I moved from) and Montreal.

That's not the first time this kind of thing happened, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Since I've lived in Calgary I think I've ran into at least four people from my high school days in suburban Ottawa. But we can dismiss these instances as pure coincidences.

After college I lived in Toronto for about six months while I completed an internship at THIS Magazine. Toronto and it's surrounding area has millions of people, with the Metro Toronto region containing somewhere between five and six million people. On two separate occasions I ran into people I knew from Ottawa, one was a buddy of mine I hadn't seen in years and he ended up being my best Toronto friend/drinking buddy. Again, since these people were from my high school years, it is entirely possible that the people from that area (Stittsville represent!) are overly adventurous, thus we run into each other all the time while we're travelling.

But wait, there is more! It's amazing how time flies, but I think it was four years ago now that I took a road trip, with three buddies, from Ottawa to the east coast for alcohol fueled mayhem. We were in Halifax for a night, hungover to high hell after a week of testing our livers, so we went to the nearest restaurant possible: the East Side Mario's located on the bottom floor of our hotel. I met up with my "homeboys" (I can't even pull that off in text form, fuck I'm white) at the restaurant, so they had already ordered. I sat down and when the server came she took my drink order. She looked familiar, but I could count the amount of people I knew in Halifax on one hand, and the server was certainly not one of them. After scratching my head for a minute it all came back to me. I met this server in London, Ontario about a year previous to that when I was dating a girl named Lindsay. This server was a good friend of hers who happened to be in Halifax working for the summer.

One, two, even three of these examples could be simply chalked up to coincidence, but as I look at all of them lumped together, it's pretty wild. What are the chances of me running into these people? A million to one? A billion to one? I don't know, I'm not a mathematician, but I am one to jump to conclusions. And my conclusion is this: It's a small world after all.

When stereotypes really happen...

2010-04-06T21:05:00.005-04:00

I would really like to say I don't judge a book by its cover, but that would be an outright lie. I judge people at the drop of a hat. I think part of this stems from being a journalist; sometimes journalists have to size-up a person right away. Deciding on not only how to approach a person, but also how to interact with them is very important to the process of interviewing. With that being said, however, I've been wrong before. I'm usually pretty good at judging people, for instance I was the first world leader to not trust Hitler's word after he said he would stop before Poland...oh wait, that isn't true at all. Moving on, I can honestly say I am pretty good at reading people, but I'm no wunderkind and I can be wrong. There, I admitted. A huge weight has now been lifted off my shoulders.

Still, sometimes you can't help but judge something because they are so blatantly obvious you have no choice. Stereotypes can be a perfect example of this. No, I am not saying that all stereotypes are accurate, that would be stupid. I don't agree with racism, sexism, ageism or any other 'ism' out there, but sometimes a person fits into a stereotype so well you can't help but smile and chuckle to yourself a bit.

To paint you a portrait I need only to go back to Easter Sunday. My brother (Derrick), our friend Christi and our two dogs Manny the puggle and Penny the Rottweiler went hiking- it's one of the upsides to living beside the Rocky Mountains.

I was a little pissy to start off with (maybe that is another accurate stereotype, all white guys can be moody fuckers. Just call me exhibit 'A') but by mid-way through the hike all was well and we finished in good time. So, what does any good Canadian do on Easter Sunday after a hike? Obviously go to Banff for a couple of beers on a patio.

We go to a place called "Tommy's" which used to be the stomping ground of Christi and my brother as they lived in Banff about a decade ago (feelin' old?). The patio was actually down a level, so our eyes were at the same level as the people's feet on the sidewalk. We tied the dogs to the fence beside us and they had a jolly ole' time. People pet them, they people watched- it was bliss.

THEN the magic happened. Banff, like most touristy towns, has a lot of people taking pictures of various landmarks and all the other images that are a must for people visiting Canada. Apparently one of those musts is a photo of my dog, Penny.

Two Japanese females walk by and are amazed by Penny. They ask to take a photo, I say yes because Penny is an attention whore, and they move on. They soon returned with a couple of friends, who also wanted photos taken with Penny. Before I knew it there were seven or eight young, Japanese girls taking turns with Penny. Penny yawned, and they loved it. She moved her head and they were amazed. She then stood up. What did they do? I shit you not, they "ooo'd and awed" as she stood. It was an amazing sight. I honestly felt like I was the relative of a big celebrity, there were that many cameras going off. I think this went on for 10 or 15 minutes.

The rest of the afternoon a couple of drunk patrons out for a smoke paid attention to Penny and Manny, as did many walkers by, but the Japanese contingent took the cake.

This, my friends, was the very definition of a stereotype. I'm sure not all Japanese people are camera crazy for dogs, but on this day the stereotype poked its head out of the rabbit hole and I saw it. A chuckle came to me, but then I got a little sad. It turns out stereotypes don't come out that well in pictures...I'll bring a video camera next time.

Love is all you need, right?

2010-03-30T13:57:00.005-04:00

Ahhhh, love. The romance, the flowers, the 'never having to say you're sorry' and of course the being faithful to your significant other. Now, please don't get me wrong, being in love can be a difficult thing- some might say impossible for the average person. How can us mortals make love work if the celebrity gods can't even do it?

Everyone has heard about Tiger Woods' infidelities, which I am sure took everyone by surprise. Here we have a guy who is literally the best golfer ever, making millions off endorsements, travelling all over the planet, meeting all sorts of women and signing their boobs. The fact that he cheated on his wife amazes me. I never saw that happening. I assumed he played golf, and when on the road, after a round of golf, ran right back to his hotel (or possibly took his limousine) to call his wife and tell his shmoopie how much he loves her.

But get this: That is not at all what happened. It turns out he actually slept with a laundry list of "women". That poor guy. How was he able to juggle his love of his wife with the deep yearning to fuck porn stars? He is in counselling now, but I don't know if any amount of counselling can help with the years of turmoil he went through. Money, women, travel, the ability to golf like a god ... how did he do it?

Then there is poor Jesse James. From my understanding his claim to fame, other than marrying Sandra Bullock, has something to do with riding motorcycles and working on various mechanical contraptions on TV. According to one show he was on it turns out he is a distant relative of the historically popular gunslinger Jesse James (same name.....weird). This hard working guy had a bit of a Tiger-like moment a few times (11 times says one gossip site) with a bunch of what I am sure are classy women. Yep, he did the deed with a bunch of ladies, apparently, while being married to Sandra Bullock the recent Oscar award winner. Whether or not the Oscar was deserved is a rant for another time; what I'm more worried about is how this young couple is going to make it after this. I don't blame Jesse, I blame society. All these women throwing themselves at him for.....wait. Why did they throw themselves at him? Ohhh, because he is a quasi-celebrity. Like I said about Tiger: poor guy.

I've never slept with a celebrity, and I probably won't in my life. I find many of them attractive, and must admit that I would dive head first into many of these sexual situations if given the chance, but I still can't give people credit for tapping a celeb, just as I can't give celebs any slack for sleeping outside the box.

If a person in your neighbourhood cheats on his or her spouse, that person is generally seen as slime. If you're a celebrity, that label quickly dissipates and the crowds quickly go back to loving you for no apparent reason. Look at Tiger. He went from being hated by the media for a couple of hours, then went right back to being the best thing to hit golf since the club.

Hollywood has been infidelity-central since it's inception and it is for this reason I am amazed every time a person gives a shit when they find out one celebrity cheated on another. Instead of being surprised, we all should collectively be saying, "No shit!" in our heads.

I'm not going to say all celebs are cheaters, that is way too big of a generalization. What I will say, however, is that not being faithful is something that happens a lot more in Hollywood than anywhere else. In a Western world where the divorce rate hovers around 50 per cent, the fact that Hollywood amazes us with infidelities more than real life is sad. I mean fucking sad.

What's the Charlie Sheen cheated on someone? Duh. Him and countless other celebrities have done the same. And that trend won't stop anytime soon.

Rather than putting thought into why celebrities cheat on each other, maybe we should stop putting so much stock into people that we don't actually know. There are likely some amazing celebs out there that are stand up, quality people. There are likely the exact opposite also. We don't know these people, we have no way of knowing what they are truly like so why do we expect certain things from them and moreover, why would we ever consider taking their version of love and believing that is what we should emulate?

I am an absolute hopeless romantic. I'm the kind of guy who believes he will, one day, find a woman who is so perfect for me that doves will hover around us while we hold hands and gaze into each others eyes. Romance, love letters, you name it and I'm all for it. And with all that being said, love is much more than that.

The movies, songs, TV shows and other forms of media we take in portray love as something that will eventually happen no matter how big the mistakes we make might be and no matter how far fetched it might seem. So, it isn't too much of a surprise after all that we put more stock into celeb love lives than our own because in the movies it always works out.

Again, love is a beautiful thing, but it sure isn't assured to happen and it really does matter what you do. Did you cheat on your girlfriend 11 times? Well then, you don't fucking deserve her and please don't say that you love her because, despite what Jesse James and Tiger might say, that is horse shit. Love means saying 'no' when a handful of whores throw themselves at you. I can understand infidelity under very certain and hard circumstances, but if you're a celeb banging chicks in every city you stop in, I'm pretty sure love is the last thing on your mind as you dirty-up some hotel sheets.

To end this I will simply leave on a pun: Sandra Bullock's newest movie is called The Blind Side. I think the sequel is set to be called How Jesse James Blind Sided me by cheating numerous times. Hmmmm, too long, how about The Blind Side 2: Did he give me herpes?

The crazies on the bus go 'round and 'round

2010-03-29T17:28:00.003-04:00

Some days it is good to be a participant in the events that present themselves. Other days it's best to be a spectator and take it all in. Friday of last week, I chose the latter. After a shift at a certain record store (read: CD, DVD, t-shirt,book, video game, poster store) I made plans to head to my buddy Dan's place in the Northwest of the city.

Currently car-less, I stopped by home to change, spend a few minutes with my dog, then jumped on the bus to head North. And the games began.

The first bus I rode on was pretty normal, for the standards of being on a city bus that is, but reality quickly became funny when I jumped on the second bus. I sat in the middle of the bus with my ear buds in. My iPod was on shuffle and I was pretty much zoned out when, at the front of the bus, I see an old man with sunglasses and headphones on that appeared to be sleeping. His clothes were pretty ratty, and I hate to judge, but I'm willing to go on a limb and say he was likely homeless.

I guess he woke up because he started getting a little shifty and occasionally slipping down in his seat because sitting up right was an issue. With his sunglasses on, he began directing a make believe orchestra with his finger. Think Stevie Wonder, only white, drunk and without any ability to conduct or make music. From there he started bending his fingers around other fingers and showing people because, let's face it, that is a damn fine skill to have. From there the sunglasses came off and he stared randomly at people, but mainly focused his attention on the baby in the stroller across the aisle from him.

The bus driver would occasionally look back to see what the drunken gentleman was doing, but he never said a word to him (or anyone else) and didn't really seem concerned.

Our bus stops at a time-check point where, if early, we must wait to make sure the bus system is on time and efficient. The bus driver jumps out of the bus with a few other people, while the drunkard gets up, staggers to the door, says god knows what to the bus driver, and then went back to his seat mumbling some jibberish.

The bus driver finally gets back into his seat, and we leave. Not two stops later something happened that I think will be a one time experience for me. Of all things to come on the bus, a man in a full suit of medieval body armour comes aboard. For a drunk man, this is nothing short of mind blowing.

The drunk is just so impressed, shaking the hand of Lancelot and telling him how proud he is. They shook hands a few times, and I was close to tears, because that is a heartfelt moment if there ever was one. The drunk then explains to the knight that Lancelot could probably break the drunk's knees because he had metal-like shoes on. A fine observation. The street prophet then figures it all out. What out? He figures out and announces to the people around him that he could beat Lancelot in a fight if he only had lasers. That must have been a puzzle he had been trying to solve for a while, because he really tried to bond with the knight after that.

They shared a moment, so it was only natural that the drunk reach in to the inner pocket in his jacket and pulled out a book. I couldn't make out the author, but the title was something like The Presidential Mechanism. I haven't been able to find it online, but it looked to be a shitty rip off of a Tom Clancy book. He was so proud of the book he not only showed Lancelot, but anyone else around him who would pay attention to him. No one did.

But it was at this point, after this guy had put on a quality show for at least 25 minutes, that the bus driver got upset. As it stands there will be no sharing literature on a city bus, not on his watch. He kicked the homeless guy off the bus, and as we pulled away he put the book up against the bus window using one hand, and made gestures that I can only assume were attempts to give people the finger, with the other.

I read a lot on the bus and I often just sit back and listen to my iPod. Normally either will suffice as entertainment for a public transit journey. Now that this mobile play unfolded in front of me, I don't think I will be happy with anything less.

The English language needs some work

2010-03-29T15:24:00.004-04:00

The "universal" language us folk in North America (minus most of Quebec which does not have beaucoup de person qui parle Anglais) is called English and I have begun to see some fatal falls in it.

From my understanding English has roots in a few different, more historic languages. Those crazy Vikings conquered parts of England way back and added their oral repertoire to whatever existed on the island before. The Romans had their time in jolly-ole' England also. Hell, everyday I pick out French words that have snuck into our daily conversations ("repetoire" par example).

On the positive side of this, we have the mixing of cultures which is beautiful yadda yadda yadda. But there is are a couple of downsides. The first is the fact that we have just too much to choose from. We have so many words that are similar, and of course there are the slang terms we use that are not proper but certainly get used enough to make speaking with any form of style is a next to impossible task.

Last week a guy was trying to describe a woman to me. He stumbled over his words for a while and decided that the woman in question was "heavy set". I don't know about you, but I think that just means he's worried someone might not like the use of the word "fat" so throwing out "heavy set" will alleviate the crap he may, potentially, get in trouble over the use of a non-politically correct word.

If there was only one word for being obese in the English language, this wouldn't be an issue. But with so many options, not making a half-assed attempt to think of a less common, and therefore less hurtful word, is seen as being mean. It's not being mean if you're being accurate. Calling someone a fat-ass or something else hurtful is pretty gutless, but simply describing a person isn't offensive. Our language that has so many options for description can be fantastic and allows us to describe something, anything, but it can also make us hyper-aware of what is being said.

On the polar opposite end of the spectrum, our language is still lacking. We can have as many words as a person can think of, but new words will always have to be created to evolve the English language, which I think is inevitable. Now with reality increasingly being made up of the internet, words used online have made it into our vocabularies. Just look at how many people "Google" things rather than search for them. But my theory holds true in everyday life. We always need more words.

I watched a movie with a friend last week and while we tried to decide what to watch, we flipped through the Pay-Per-View categories, none seemed to fit. We didn't mind the idea of a comedy, but we weren't in a goofy, slapstick mood. We didn't want a drama, but we did want a decent story. In the end my friend, Jess, said she wanted something "light hearted". Perfect! It described everything we were looking for. Not, by any means, a common term and certainly not a category when selecting movies, but should it be?

Where does the line of where we should start and stop using words end? Does it? Do we need to simplify our language, or shall we continue making it bigger by adding more words? Maybe, just maybe, our language is a paradox just like the human race. Maybe, in the end, neither can truly be explained, so we should just sit back and see what happens.

I'm going to go get my moderately large tub of popcorn. Sorry, large and medium didn't quite describe it properly.

Food for thought...

2010-03-21T20:48:00.002-04:00

In a famous Seinfeld episode, Jerry raves about a cookie. It's half white and half black, so the episode revolved partially around the cookiebeing the ultimate step toward racial unity. It then makes him sick after eating it and hilarity ensues. It really was a good episode, but I have to disagree with Mr. Seinfeld.

I am spending my Sunday night taking a breather from a long week which will be followed by an even longer week starting tomorrow. Beside me is a bag of chips and the flavour of choice is Salt +Vinegar. These, my friends, are the ulitmate example of no matter how much one side of a conflict may hate another, there is always hope for unity.

Salt by itself is revolting. No one on earth would want to take a drink of vinegar to quench their thirst. Alone, these two things, are putrid. Together on a piece of baked and/or friend potato? Brilliant.

Today, delicious snacks. Tomorrow ... the world!

Irish smirish....

2010-03-17T15:51:00.003-04:00

The blood tests recently came back and there is now conclusive evidence that I am in no way Irish. In actuality I have a lot of Scottish in me, along with a mixture of other roots from around Europe. today, however, is St. Paddy's Day and I will be partaking- not as an Irishman, but as a lover of the alcoholic arts.

I don't think it's right to say everyone is Irish on St. Paddy's Day, instead I think everyone loves an excuse to drink and a green-filled day of partying is as good as any. So now that we have all admitted to our love for the drink and not Irish heritage, allow us to go party and make the most of it.

I will be going in my tried-tested and true 'Kiss me, I'm Irish' T-shirt. The slogan on the front is a clear lie- in that I am not Irish, I encourage kisses from most females on this fine day- but the shirt itself has become something of a tradition for me. You see, I've had this shirt for something like seven years and have worn it every St. Paddy's Day since. I was around 20-years-old, back in Ottawa, and at the time me and some of my comrades would always hit up a bar called the Cock & Bull. It wasn't a bar that was central to anything, and to be honest it wasn't that impressive of a bar as a whole, but any bar can be a good bar on the right day.

After a few hours of flowing liquid gold I somehow managed to convince a girl to let me try on a shirt she had just won. This lovely, trusting girl allowed me to put it on as long as I gave it back that day/night. Well, it's the better part of a decade later and I still have it. I'm convinced it isn't cursed because I didn't try to steal it, I was simply way too inebriated to remember my name, let alone giving the shirt back to the rightful owner.

I tell this story with pride because I think the girl in question would like to know that her former shirt has and continues to live a good life. I dread the day I have to put it down.

Ode to Canadian Television

2010-03-07T22:13:00.002-05:00

Television entertainment in Canada gets a pretty bad rap. Considering how much American programming enters our country through the televisions we gawk at every night, it's surprising Canadian TV gets even negative attention.

We don't have many networks in Canada, and no matter if it is the CBC, CTV of Canwest, the programming they put out gets panned by a lot of people. Sometimes it is absolutely deserved, but over the years there has been some great and memorable shows produced north of the border.

Here is my list of the best Canadian TV shows of all time:

Danger Bay
Dr. Grant Roberts and his kids foil criminals and eco-related villains. One of the best theme songs ever and the best with no actual words.

Made in Canada
Dry and sarcastic comedy about the behind the scenes antics of television production. Rick Mercer's best work in my humble opinion.

Raccoons
Bert Raccoon and his friends and relatives (no one knows how the Raccoons were related in the show, it's weird) have hilarious times while protecting their forest from the rich, jerkish character Cyril Sneer (what the hell Sneer was is also a mystery).

Degrassi (Old and new)
Come on, who doesn't have a soft spot in their heart for Degrassi, arguably the best teen-based mellow drama ever. 90210 can eat it!

Mr. Dressup
The dude was the most entertaining presence in all our lives from ages 3-7. Next to my parents and grand parents, he might be next in line in the people I would have trusted to take care of me at that time in my life.

Beachcombers
A rare treat, this BC based show was about a small town of characters living on the coast. Lots of boats involved and a little slapstick comedy for good measure.

This Hour has 22 Minutes
It's still hilarious after so many years and they make fun of everyone.

Littlest Hobo
Another theme song in the top 5 theme songs of all time, this was a show about a dog that went from town to town helping people out. I think he is the only dog that received the Order of Canada......at least he should be.

Polka Dot Door
Your typical kids show about various crazy shit that involve life lessons in some way, with one exception. Polkaroo, this nine foot creature that could only say "Polkaroo" would come out at the end of each episode and bring it all together. Story Time clock was also kind of cool.

Today's Special
In a department store at night, a mannequin comes to life thanks to a magic hat. Complete with a security guard, talking mouse, talking computer and a normal person to balance out the craziness, this theme song was a goodie, as was the show.

StreetCents
Why did this show stop? Best youth-aimed consumer advocacy show ever!

Trailerpark Boys
so simple, so crude, so funny.

Video on Trial
MuchMusic is officially horrible and a shell of its former self, but I have to admit Video on Trial, especially when it first started, was/is pretty damn funny.

Learning the Ropes
A huge guy with kids is a high school teacher by day and a professional wrestler by night. No one of note is in this, except for the guy currently starring in the CIBC commercials.

Kats and Dog
It's a fun filled drama about a cop, his dog and his nephew.

Edgemont
Grace Park, Kristin Kreuk and a host of others star in a drama at a high school in BC. Good acting for the most part, pretty intelligent story lines, I was a fan

Smoggies
Who knew that the Smoggies and their lovable enemies the Sun tots were a Canadian creation? Catchy theme song to the point you want to bang your head against a wall. "We use the water, wind and sun to make our homes and gadgets run, where else can you have such fun environmentally?!?"

King of Kensington
I used to watch reruns of this show from the late 70s/early 80s. It's basically the Canadian version of all in the family. Not nearly as funny, but definitely a good watch.

Bizzar
A US/Canada co-production. This is early 80s comedy at its best.

I'm sure I've missed a few, but I think this shows that every once in a blue moon, Canadians can make some quality television. It ain't much, but it's ours.

Ladies, let's make a deal

2010-03-07T21:48:00.002-05:00

Toilet seats have been a thorn in the side of both sexes for long enough. What sounds like it is a cliche from an NBC sitcom is actually an issue in real life, as sad as it may sound. Of course I'm talking about the positioning of the seat.

Women naturally want the seat down, men need a larger target so keeping the seat up is key. Then there is the lid, what do you do with the lid? Neither side thinks they are wrong in wanting their way to be the way for everyone, but the tension caused by these differences in favoured seat position has got to end. So I propose the following:

The seat and the lid always stay down. That way it is even. Whether you're femme or a garcon, you have to put up something (the lid, or the lid with the seat). That seems simple enough. Can we agree on that now? No more snide comments about the seat being up.

One small step for (wo)man, one giant leap for gender relations.

Don't those rings look pretty?

2010-02-22T22:21:00.005-05:00

So what's this about some sporting event taking place on the west coast? I've been trying to watch my daily soaps but they keep being replaced by various winter spor...........holy shit it's the Olympic Games! It all makes sense now: the grandeur, the competition, the bitching and complaining.

Undoubtedly because they are on home soil, I have watched more Olympics this year than any other. I saw the footage of the Georgian luger who sadly died in an accident, I saw the issues during the opening ceremonies, I've not seen some skiing because of weather delays and I've seen a great event spoiled by bullshit.

The pure fact that people and a lot of media are focusing on whether or not these Olympic games are the worst ever, before they are even over, is sad and an obvious attempt to get attention. Any media that counts that as a news story before the games are over is, in my mind, focusing not only on the wrong thing, but doing so blatantly. After the games are over you can assess, but when these stories popping up came less than half-way through, you should focus on the event you are there to cover. In your story you might as well interview a Mysterious Swami with a magic ball, too. No one knows how these games are going to pan out, and that is part of the beauty of it.

Continuing on the negative attention railroad, people protesting the games by breaking windows and vandalizing are assholes. Plain and simple. Protest all your want, but do it in a way where you garner respect. You're just making yourselves look like the hoodlums your opposing sides want you to be. I don't like everything about the games -- including the amount of corporate attention, for one -- but there is nothing beneficial for anyone to protest like thugs. It does nothing for either side of the debate.

There are also, according to Canadian media reports, a large amount of British media bad mouthing Canada and the games. They are free to their opinions, but at the same time I'm looking at the British media as being known to muck-rake and make a controversy. I'm obviously generalizing, but I've seen some comments that praise Canada, then completely bad mouth us in the next sentence. All I can say is: Bravo, if you're taking a stance by calling us a polite country, but also for being devious and unfair to other countries and completely botching the games, then it's a sad day. Here we have some huge U.K. papers that are supposed to make a difference and make comments that matter and the best they can come up with is how Canada isn't living up to expectations? We're polite people alright, but only to a point. Who are you to demand that our country bend over backwards to ensure the global community continues to see us as the nice folk who don't say too much? Focus on more important issues going on in the world, not on the down side of an event that is supposed to celebrate the good relations between countries and athletes. What I'm saying is: Way to pick on the little guy and take the easiest story sitting in front of you.

Beyond all of that negativity, there are the reasons people watch the Olympics. It isn't for the ads or anything like that. It boils down to national pride and the love of competition. Very rarely will a significant amount of people watch a curling match, and some people will never have a chance to see a mogul event, let alone see the best in the world compete against one and other. We get into it. While we're watching a great event, do we care what the best Games in the history of the Olympics is? No. When Canada is playing hockey, does the ranking of Vancouver's Games against others pop into anyone's head? I sincerely doubt it. We are too wrapped up in the game to care about anything else.

Beyond the loud mouths and window dressing there is something pure about the Olympics; it's just hard to get to sometimes.

Authentic meat shells...

2010-02-22T15:45:00.005-05:00

I love tacos. They are so simple, yet so delicious. For anyone that does eat meat, there are few other dishes that bring so much pleasure to the mouth (I'm waiting for a hilarious quip about fellatio) like that of tacos.

With all that being said, I cannot help but laugh when I watch the current Old El Paso commercials gracing the televisions. The commercial starts, seemingly out of nowhere, with a Spanish guy in a suit that can only be compared to what Cuban drug lords wear in movies that take place in the 1960s. Rather than being in a taco commercial, the guy should have been sitting on a sun-soaked patio, sipping a mojito and conversing with American gangsters about gambling and drug ventures. Confused? Just watch Scarface.

Anyway, this guy just shows up and scares the living shit out of a mother who is apparently going to make spaghetti and meatballs, but the Spanish guy points out that she always makes that dish. So after he throws out one authentic Spanish term - por favor - all of a sudden him and the mother are watching the rest of the family making tacos. The Spanish guy is so happy he yells out, "Look how much fun they are having making tacos!"

Just when you hope the commercial is going to get hit by a truck, it continues with a catchy jingle that goes: Old El Paso, Mucho fun tonight!

When was the last time you thought to yourself, "Man, I was going to play Wii with some friends but instead I'm going to put spiced meat in a corn shell and eat it because it's way more fun"? The answer is never. Tacos are delicious and simple, but I wouldn't refer to them as being fun. If they had a button that, when pushed, resulted in funny noises, then it might be fun. It takes a lot of guts to take one of the most simple foods in the world and call it fun. The next step for these marketing geniuses will be calling sloppy joes extreme.

Despite the silly claim, I can get past it, but the sad attempt at making the food seem authentic borders on sad. Old El Paso is in Texas, but it's close enough to Mexico and there is enough Mexican culture where I can understand the Mexican references. On the other hand Old El Paso is owned by General Mills, which happens to be a huge corporation head quartered in Minnesota. According to Wikipedia (take it or leave it) the logo used doesn't even make sense because the cactus presented doesn't exist anywhere near Old El Paso.

I ate tacos in Mexico once and they didn't look anything like the tacos us gringos eat. It was strips of meat (donkey?) and the guy who served them to us was trying to pour tequila down our throats. I didn't see any of that in the commercial......unfortunately.

To recap: I like Old El Paso food, but I don't consider it to be Mexican. I hate Old El Paso commercials and also don't consider them to be Mexican.

New, clear power

2010-02-04T13:41:00.002-05:00

A man and a woman sit behind a desk at what looks to be a booth at a form of trade-show. Looking up there is a sign that says something about Nuclear Power. Just then a man walks by and yells, "Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!" at which point the woman behind the desk (Mindy) yells, "Get bent!" and the man behind the desk throws an unusually placed brick that was sitting on the desk at the passer-by.

This, my friends, was a scene from The Simpsons. Beyond being funny, it puts into perspective the way public views nuclear power. I've been reading up on it hear and there for the past little while, and I have to say I am torn.

Nuclear power isn't ideal. It does produce a lot of radioactive waste, and the cost over-runs that have been the trend over the past few decades make it pretty hard to argue that nuclear power is the way to go as far as a source of energy that is relatively environmently friendly.

With all that being said, the way the world currently produces mass amounts of electricity is also far from ideal. Coal is the major source for electricity around the world. It is plentiful and it's used in countries ranging the Canada and the U.S. to China and countless others. It also happens to be horrible for the environment. The emissions and other effects on the environment really can't be argued, despite what some parties might say. I don't know all the details on the "clean coal" technology in the works, but from everything I've heard so far, it is far from perfected and possibly a pipe dream.

The obvious alternatives are wind, solar, wave and classic hydroelectric power. I am all for these things and believe in all of them. They do, however, take a lot of money and time to put into play and the technology has to come a long way to replace the coal plants that we rely on. It has to be abundant for these technologies to make the leap forward we truly need. So until these technologies develop and grow into truly sustainable energy sources, what do we do?

Is nuclear power a real possibility? I read recently in Esquire about the new nuclear power. The waste of nuclear power plants is starting to turn into a commodity because it is now possible to recycle nuclear waste and use it as a power source. In short, nuclear power, and the uranium that is the key to nuclear power, can be used more than once and the waste is cut dramatically. This technology is still new, but well on its way to being a reality that can be put into action globally.

It's unfortunate that Canada is slowly getting out of the nuclear game (not weapons) because we were a leader for a while. Beyond the medical isotope fiasco Canada continues to go through, the country has done a lot (minus selling a Candu reactor to Pakistan that then went on to create nuclear weapons from the technology sold to them) and could use its expertise to push for safer regulations, cost control and overall efficiency in the world of nuclear power. Sadly, we're going the opposite way.

I'm not here saying nuclear power is the ideal solution, but I will say it seems to be far better than the option of coal that we continue to rely on, despite promises to shut down coal plants.

Having a voice

2010-01-25T20:15:00.003-05:00

Far be it for me to be outspoken or controversial, but I think it's time I get a few things off my chest, and I'm sad to say that have a lot to do with politics. As many of you sigh and wish this was a post about how ridiculous Hollywood is or the rise in UFO sightings in Manitoba, I'm sorry but some times taking the wind out of pop-culture is trumped by things that matter.

And I guess that is my first point. I really have no interest in making this post partisan by saying one political party is better than another. What I will say is that people need to pay attention and give a fuck about what goes on around them. Voter apathy is at a high not seen in recent memory and that is worrisome.

I recently took part in a rally/protest here in Calgary. I'm not one of these people that goes to every protest I can find just to yell about things. Just as I think everyone should do, I speak out when I believe in something but try to keep my mouth shut when I'm undecided or uninformed.

Currently the Canadian parliament has been put on hold (prorogued) and people are finally starting to take notice of the importance of politics and the process. Despite voter apathy and a system that is far from perfect, politics do matter because a lot of decisions are made almost daily that affect us. So with that being said, I find it insulting that parliament was prorogued in order to focus on the economy and because the Olympics are in Canada next month.

There is absolutely no need to take an extra month off of parliament when there are literally dozens of bills that still have to be addressed. If the bills are important enough to be put forth, they should be important enough for parliament to go through the proper process before a break is taken. We are now coming out of the recession after well over a year of an economic shit-show. Now, how can the government justify taking a break now? You're focusing on the economy now? If that is the logic being used (or excuse being used) what the sweet hell were you focusing on during the recession? What tattoos to get and what part of the body to have inked? And as for the Olympics, how many MPs are directly affected by the Olympics? Beyond a handful in B.C. along with a couple of cabinet ministers (public safety minister etc.), the rest of the government should be doing their damn jobs, not taking time off cuz' the Olympics are in Canada. Basically what I am saying is these arguments don't hold water and if you're going to prorogue the parliament you better spell out in great detail what you will be doing while the parliament is recessed. So far that hasn't happened, which adds to my point.

Now, as I said, this isn't a partisan post. There have been numerous examples of other premiers and prime minsters proroguing parliament in the past. The reasons for these particular prorogation's can be debated, but the fact is they don't matter. Two use a cliche, two wrongs don't make a right. Using the excuse "well someone else did it first" is nothing short of childish. If those are the comments and justifications being thrown around, do us all a favour and enroll in elementary school again. While you're at it go pull the hair of girls on the playground, sneak your Daddy's nudie mags and ogle them and rediscover fruit-by-the-foot.

I have a lot of issues with politics as a whole, but the biggest issue tends to feed into most of the problems we face today (politically anyway). Be a person. That's it. Be a real person and take the people into account first. The whole idea behind electing MPs as representatives is to have the people in mind well before the political party or the politician.

Right now, and for a long time, the people are and have not been represented properly. All too often career politicians put themselves, their reputations, their jobs and their party before the people they are not only elected to represent, but the people they are paid to represent.

So go represent them. Get back to parliament and put away the partisan bullshit. Parties are supposed to work together for the common good. Just because one party thinks of an idea doesn't mean it is a bad idea because it is an opposing party that thought of it. Accountability has been a word thrown around ever since the Liberal sponsorship scandal. It's a cute word, but throwing it around doesn't make accountability happen.

Politicians are humans. Humans are not perfect. So admit to your faults, work for the people and just be real people, not political puppets. It's not a difficult thing to do. Beside politicians, there are millions of great people in this country and around the world who do it everyday. There is no prerequisite that says you have to be a lying, conniving, heartless asshole to be a politician. Then again I have been wrong before.

Don't agree with me? Good. Speak your mind. Having a differing opinion is a great thing, that is how discussions develop and progress is made. Just remember a discussion is an exchange of ideas, not a declaration of war. Politicians should probably discuss more and treat other parties and their members as colleagues, not enemies. If this keeps up the line will be drawn and it won't be party versus party, it will be the people versus politics. If that ever happens, as history teaches us, the people always win.....unfortunately a lot of casualties and costs come along with the victory.

Going out on a limb...

2010-01-20T13:46:00.003-05:00

I walked by the movie theatre the other day, and just like every other movie theatre on the face of the earth, there were a couple of giant posters on the outside advertising some new movies that will soon be released. I saw one, took it in, and immediately started chuckling to myself.

I have not seen the movie in question, nor read a revew of it. The movie was called "Knight and Day". Right away you can tell this movie is going to be a gem- a true piece of original cinema. Who stars in the movie? I'm glad you asked. On the poster, just as large if not larger than the title itself, were the names of the actors starring in the movie: Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise.

Let's do the math:
Cheesy/ cliche title of a movie + two actors who get too much attention x the general public's indifference toward clearly horrible movies = a big waste of time.

Again, I have no idea what the movie is about and I am going on this limb. I hope you will join me. Now, with no further ado, here is the summary of the movie that I am reading for the first time and am putting up on this blog with no alterations what-so-ever.

"An action-comedy centered on a fugitive couple (Cruise and Diaz) on a glamorous and sometimes deadly adventure where nothing and no one – even themselves – are what they seem. Amid shifting alliances and unexpected betrayals, they race across the globe, with their survival ultimately hinging on the battle of truth vs. trust." - Written by 20th Century Fox via IMDB.com (although I thought it was now 21st century Fox)

Sad, don't cha think?

Matthew McConaughey WTF?

2010-01-16T01:14:00.005-05:00

I've recently learned that I am not a celebrity. So this entire post is clearly full of bias. Now that I have got that out of the way I have one question for you Matthew McConaughey: what the fuck happened to you?

You are a good actor. Or at least you can be. You know that right? You didn't hit your head and forget or allowed yourself to get hypnotized and never awoke from the trance right? Because I have to be honest, I don't have a clue what goes through your head when you choose roles lately. Is it your agent? A magical eight ball? A sock puppet?

You've done some great movies. Let's start with Dazed and Confused; I'm sure stoners everywhere ask you about this movie, but beyond the weed references you played the role really well. Few people will watch that movie and not believe you were a 30+ high school wannabe that is trying to relive his high school years. Seriously, well done. And the same goes for A Time to Kill. The story, the acting, the whole project was really good. Take pride in it. Even the movie Contact was a good project that has a story that ventures outside the box yet is steeped in enough reality for people to embrace it. And we can't forget Amistad and even U-571 but they are overshadowed by the sad, sad movies you have decided to take in recent years.

You actually made a movie called Surfer, Dude. That is the kind of shit movie former '80s star Corey Feldman would jump at. Not you. You're a big celebrity, you have money, you don't need roles that make you look like...well.....a surfer dude, I guess. Do you see what you made me do? I made a bad pun in order to explain your silliness. I read an interview a couple of years back where you actually forgot the name of one of your movies. That movie? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days! I would forget it too. Now add to the list enthralling movies like Fools Gold, Failure to Launch and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and I think my point is proven.

If you needed the money, fine, go for it, make a Power Rangers movie if you want, it's justified. God knows I've written stories I've hated doing, but I'm not the Matty Mc of the journalism world. Maybe that's a good thing though, if I was I'd likely be writing articles about dogs that know how to surf.

Shit.....I think I just gave you the plot for your next movie.

My new drug of choice...

2010-01-16T00:22:00.002-05:00

I am an addict. Sign me up for a stay at the *insert name like Shady Pines or Windy Ridge here* Treatment Centre because I need help. Am I addicted to crack? Please, that stuff is for amateurs. Oxycontin? Nah, way too hard to get. Not only am I an addict, but I am also a person who takes the path of least resistance, so while some junkies are jabbing needles in their arms I take my drug in a form few addicts will admit to. Generally it comes in a can, sometimes a cup, but all times it comes in some sort of cylinder. Yes, folks, caffeine is my dirty little friend.

But there is hope for me.....I think. I've never been a coffee drinker. Despite the fact I drink most alcoholic beverages under the sun, coffee's bitterness has for years turned me away. To get my little kick in the morning (and most other times of the day for that matter) I would take down an energy drink- Blue Rockstar is the best - and let the magic happen. That so called magic has likely taken a couple of years off my life and will likely give me odd health issues down the road (does everyone have a horn beginning to grow from the top of their head?).

It's been a long battle. For a few years I worked at a bar by night and at a newspaper during the daylight hours. This made for a severe lack of sleep and a lack of options as far as sleeping in goes. There was a time where I'd take down a couple of energy drinks in a day and not think twice about it. On numerous occasions this little habit almost got me into trouble. Since those lovely drinks come in cans that resemble tall-boys, there was more than one occasion where I walked into the office of a police officer for an interview and the Constable in question, for a few seconds, thought I was taking down a pint as I asked him questions about the recent happenings in the community.

But no more. I'm on the mend. I don't exactly know how it happened, but I'm starting to get a taste for coffee. As I recall, the first time in recent memory that I has a full cup of coffee was a few months ago when my former roommate and enternal comrade Dan asked if I wanted a cup of coffee. Seeing as I have known him for years and have never had a cup of Joe in his presence, I figured he would catch on to my sarcasm when I said that I would in fact have a coffee. Dan must have left his sarcasm net in his room, because he didn't catch my drift and brewed a full pot of coffee. I felt bad and drank a cup of the black gold. It wasn't great, but I kept it down.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve where a few of us started off the evening (at around 5 p.m.) with coffees that included some lovely Butter Ripple Liqueur. I enjoyed it. From there the snowball grew. Off and on I would have a coffee and the bitterness slowly turned into MMM-give-me-more-ness. After dinner the other night I had a cup of coffee, yesterday morning I went to Mr. Horton's for a coffee and followed the trend again this morning.

So to almost everyone else on this planet: I am now one of you. Please don't call this conformity, because I'm not drinking coffee so I can be privy to the gossip thrown around at the office. Nope, coffee as I see it is a lesser of two evils. Maybe one day I will be able to kick the black stuff and drink solely wheat grass cocktails, but for the time being I am slowly getting myself accustom to the hot liquid and ground bean mixture you all call coffee.

It's so crazy it just might work.

Repitition isn't a definition

2010-01-14T16:31:00.003-05:00

From what I've been able to ascertain, if a word is used enough by a person or group of people, others will begin to use the word without actually knowing or understanding the definition. Call it conformity, call it ignorance, or call it apathy, but no matter what you call it, the trend is alarming.

I'm going to dig in to my bag of stupidity and take out the word terrorism. Most people in the western world hear or read the word multiple times a day. It has been more than eight years since 9/11, and ever since then the words 'terrorist' and 'terrorism' have gradually become part of everyday life. But does anyone know what it means? What makes a terrorist different from a lunatic wielding a gun? What makes terrorism different from any other type of catastrophe perpetrated by a person?

I'm not going to throw out a dictionary definition. I'm not even going to quote a linguist on this one. Why? In these cases the words are used so much that they encompass so many possible people, there is no way for the word to truly have any meaning. Generally speaking Western media refers to terrorists as Al-qaeda or individuals who attack western interests. That same definition, however, can be used by people throughout the world when it comes to the US (and other western nations). To be honest, it's kind of hard to argue. In Afghanistan air strikes are used against entire villages/towns. Now in these attacks civilians die. Is that not a form of terrorism?

Why do terrorists have to be Muslims with masks on that shriek at the top of their lungs about Allah? There have been numerous mass shootings in the US lately, and not one of them that I recall reading about had a Muslim person involved. There were disgruntled workers and similar cases, but are they referred to as terrorists? Not from what I have seen. But they are causing terror on high levels, so why aren't they terrorists?

Being part of the media I don't like painting all media as crooked or anything along those lines, but when certain networks and publications throw out 'terrorist' and 'terrorism' non-stop it is irresponsible because the public hops on these words and automatically create a picture of what a terrorist and what terrorism is. Those images developed in their heads generally don't involve white people, they involve the stereotypical image and description of Muslims holding AK-47s. That's what the media feeds the the public when they use those two magical words. It's like flash cards in school. Why do I know 5 X 5 = 25? Because I keep seeing a card flashed in front of me that says so.

It's good to know our learning habits haven't developed since grade three.

A golden opportunity

2010-01-11T15:08:00.003-05:00

Quick, does anyone have any gold? Any at all? If so you better call Dollars 4 Gold right now!!! Why wouldn't you want to sell your gold, it's not like anyone wears their jewellery, right? Oh, you do, that's the whole purpose of having it? Who knew?

Honestly, the crap that passes for commercials now adays is astounding. This particular company wants to buy up as much gold as possible from the viewing public. Is there a reason for it? I'm sure there are many, but the most logical one seems to be that currency as we know it is up and down like a yo-yo. It doesn't matter what type of currency it is, all forms (American Dollar, Canadian Dollar, Japanese YEN etc.) are constantly gaining and losing value. Gold, on the other hand, is seen as a pretty safe bet and historically the price of gold goes up as economies sour. Enter Dollars 4 Gold.

Now, I'm not against anyone selling gold, if you own it it is your right to sell it. What bothers me are the things these people are saying on their commercials. Beyond their "Double G Guarantee" they throw out comments like they will even buy "broken or unwanted gold". Really? You're going to do me that big of a favour? here I was about to throw out these useless broken gold earrings, but since you're willing to buy them, maybe I should be thanking you. Well, I hate to be the one to reveal this, but all they do is melt down the gold. It could be in a million pieces and still be worth the same. You'd think people would catch on to this seeing as they actually show gold being melted down in the actual commercial.

The bottom line is that you can sell your gold if you want to, but please realize they aren't doing you any extra favours. You can go to a crooked jewellery shop in any city and have them buy your gold too. Before you buy, though, maybe consider why all this gold is being bought up and think about your timing.

I didn't catch it...

2010-01-06T16:02:00.003-05:00

Soooo, I just finished Catcher in the Rye, the "classic" that students read in high schools everywhere. I know I'm going to take a lot of flak for this, but I'm honestly not overly impressed. It wasn't a bad book by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't understand what all the hype has been about for the past few decades.

My big issue with the book is that nothing actually happens. Sorry for the spoiler, but Holden Caufield gets kicked out of a private school because he basically can't stand anyone. He isn't a bad guy or anything, he just doesn't like a lot of people and thinks they are all phonies. He then goes home to New York (not far from his former private school) and dinks around for a few days until the Christmas break officially begins for schools.

I realize this is a short summary and I'm leaving out a lot, but that is the jist of it. Sure the dialogue is clever and original, but it is also repetitive. The same comments are said over and over, the same issues the main character has with people happen over and over, and at the end of the book nothing has really changed.

For a book that continues to receive so much attention and praise, I simply can't understand why. But I guess that ties into the question of what makes something a "classic"? Just because a group of people think something is classic or definitive, doesn't mean everyone has to.

Then again, what do I know? I'm pretty sure J.D. Salinger has some sway that I can't really compete with. He can have his classic book and I will continue to shoot for the stars. Maybe one day there will be some guy who is full of himself that writes a blog dogging my work. When that happens, I'll truly know I made it.

Thanks for the guarantee!

2009-12-28T15:55:00.002-05:00

I guarantee the word guarantee is used way too often. It's hard to find a commercial for a product or service that isn't "guaranteed" in one way or another, and I have to admit I'm pretty sick of hearing the word. It's been thrown around so much the meaning has been lost.

Let's start with drive-thrus. Remember when a drive-thru was a drive-thru and not at all complicated? Not anymore. Now things have to be double and triple checked. Certain fast food outlets guarantee orders will be correct. You guarantee it will be the right order? Well thanks, but seeing as I am going through an expedited type of service (drive-thru) the chances are I don't have time to pull a U turn and drive back to the restaurant to demand my right order and see what this guarantee is made of. I'm all for double and triple checking things, just don't act like you're doing people a favour. No matter the guarantee, you're still inconveniencing me if it is a wrong order. No magical guarantee can stop that.

But that is just me being impatient and well....a dick. The fast food industry is a fairly competitive one, so if one chain wants to claim to have a better drive-thru system than another then guarantee it, good for them. They should probably realize that few people in this world actually base their eating habits on drive-thru guarantees, but I think it's best they find out for themselves. "What's that? People don't give a piper's fuck if we quadruple check orders? Well now how are we going to get customers? Make good food you say? Who let this guy in the room?"

Products much more mundane use the guarantee gimmick. Enter deodorant. Old Spice (which I happen to enjoy) loves the money back guarantee. On some commercials they challenge the public to try Old Spice and if they don't like it there is a money back guarantee....or they will buy the "victim" a stick from antoher competitor. That's nice, but who has time for that? Who, I ask you, uses a stick of deodorant and hates it so much they go to the trouble of calling up a company and demanding a stick of something else? Not once has that topic ever come up in conversation around me. A better idea if you don't like a product is to NEVER BUY IT AGAIN. Want to teach a company a lesson? Don't support them! Money talks folks.

With all that being said, companies are not all bad, or silly. Sure most are, but the average citizen can be ridiculous also. You know those commercials where they throw a bunch of legal comments at the end? My favourites are beer commercials that have these great contests then at the end they say to go to the website for no purchase entry blah blah blah. I for one have no problem with having to buy something to get into a contest. Are there really people that sit around thinking, "Screw that beer company. I don't want to give them any of my money but I deserve to be in their contest for a free beer fridge." Don't be so damn cheap. Either you like a product or not. If so, support it and if there is an added perk of a contest, even better. Complaining about not being allowed to enter a contest even though you didn't buy any of the company's products is just as bad as companies throwing around stupid guarantees that don't hold water.

At the end of the day companies and people have to be realistic about things. Don't make promises masked behind guarantees and don't expect the world when you're sitting on your couch at home.

Silliness happens at all levels. I guarantee it.

I'm a father

2009-12-23T19:17:00.002-05:00

I'm 27 and for the life of me I didn't think I would be saying this at this particular time in my life, but I'm happy to say I'm a father. The little bundle of joy weighs in somewhere around 70 pounds, is hairy as Robin Williams and is an absolute sweetheart. Yes, for all those out there that are a bit dim, I have a new dog.

I've always had dogs, been around dogs and loved dogs. Right from the time I was born dogs were part of my life. I never, however, had a dog of my own. We always had family pets which I was partly responsible for, but never did I have an animal that was truly reliant on me.

For the past three or so years my brother and I have lived together. He had two dogs, and I was essentially the uncle of said dogs. Unfortunately Rico (145lb Great Dane) passed away over a year ago and since then there has been a bit of a void in our house(s). Manny is our lovable Puggle who is stubborn as an old woman and twice as bitchy, but an absolute amazing dog. Still, he's been alone and since he was used to bossing around his companion that towered over him getting another friend for him was always something we wanted to do.

Enter Penny. Penny is a Rottweiler, and for all those people that think a certain type of dog is aggressive, vicious etc. you're wrong. The poor thing used to live above a friend of mine with a guy who neglected her. She was fed, but that's about it. No attention, left on a balcony of in a cage for 20 or more hours a day, the poor thing had to go through a lot. Lucky for me I was over at my buddy's house last week and they were feeding the dog as their upstairs neighbour was away. I went up to let her pee and immediately fell in love. Not five days later she was mine.

The poor thing didn't even know her name. No training. No nothing. So essentially we have started from scratch and she is something else. Kind, smart, beautiful, gets along with Manny. I couldn't have asked for a better dog. Penny is her name and I'm pleased as punch to say that she is my dog, but I am sure I am going to benefit from having her in my life just as much as she is going to benefit from me (and my brother) being in hers.

PS. As for the name. My friend Jess thought of Penny, and it seems to fit. I officially decided on it after realizing the niece of Inspector Gadget (the 80s super cartoon) was named Penny and was my first crush when I was five. Sad? Yes. Accurate? Yes.

Handguns and Hooters

2009-12-17T12:58:00.002-05:00

Lunch is a helluva meal, and one I generally enjoy. I don't often eat breakfast in the morning, mostly because I like to go all out with breaky and eating a bowl of cereal doesn't quite stack up to bacon and eggs. Lunch, however, is my most important meal of the day. Going to a decent restaurant for good food and a beer or two is always a pleasant experience.

Yesterday I was out with a couple of buddies and we were famished. So after some driving Nick suggested Hooters. I'll take a minute as everyone reading this thinks of clever comments involving boobs. Done? Without any better ideas we decided to give it a shot. I haven't been to a Hooters in years, mostly because the last time I was there the food looked like it should be served in a trough.

This time around it was much better, but we're just getting started here. There should be no doubt in any guy's mind that the sole reason the servers at Hooters flirt with you is because of the money they'll make on the tip. Although I'm sure these servers to give their numbers out once in a while, 99 per cent of the time they just want your money. The server yesterday, Taylor, was incredibly nice and yes she had short shorts on and a chest flattering shirt. Compared to some BAD service I've had I don't mind spending an extra $5 on a server who is at least friendly.

It turns out she was also entertaining. Taylor sits down at our booth and shoots the shit with us. She did this a couple of times, and on one of her visits she gets into suggestions of things we could do that day. First was the indoor driving range idea and then.......wait for it.............she suggested we go to the nearby firing range. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we had two pitchers, which certainly isn't a lot considering the drinking company I keep, but it is still not a good idea for a server to suggest a bunch of guys take back a few brewskies then head to a place that's only reason for existing is for people fire lethal weapons at targets.

And it gets better. The last time she was there she was mistaken for a stripper (Quoi?). You see a stripper was in just before her and a hot casing for a bullet went down said stripper's top. So what did Strippy McGee do? She fished around for it in her cleavage with a loaded handgun that didn't have the safety on. Holy sweet fuck, I know a lot about bad ideas and this one deserves to be part of a course at University on how to kill yourself in three steps or less.

From that entertaining conversation we talked about implants, which Taylor didn't have, and then she broke out the stools. Flipping them upside down I straddled one as she straddled the other and taught me how to "ride" a stool. It's hard to explain but it involves a lot of hip movement. After a few tries I got the hang of it, but Taylor is a seasoned pro and I think every guy in the place thanked me for prolonging her stool riding.

Decent hamburger: $11.00 (approx)
Good beer: $30.00
Tight orange shorts: Likely $25
Watching your server ride a stool after telling you a messed up story about a stripper and a firing range: Priceless